


Show Me How a Smile Feels (let me live again)

by NateC7



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Artist Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes & Tony Stark Friendship, Cats, Child Abuse, Fluff, Gore, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Natasha Is a Good Bro, Non-Consensual Body Modification, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Psychological Trauma, Recovery, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2016-08-24
Packaged: 2018-07-27 13:30:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 25,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7619953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NateC7/pseuds/NateC7
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes are childhood friends who got separated after Bucky disappeared on his 10th birthday. After Bucky’s parents receive mail from a rising religious organization called Hydra, Steve believes his best friend is dead. Fast forward 12 years to present day. Steve meets Bucky again at a recovery center for cult victims, but he is a completely different person. Bucky learns how to be normal again while Steve struggles with the fact that  he will never be the boy from their childhood again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! 
> 
> This is my entry for thestuckylibrary's Stucky Big Bang 2016! So it will be completed by the end of August. I am splitting this work up into 4 parts due to triggers that will occur in chapter 3. More details will be given in the notes for that chapter. 
> 
> I would like to thank my wonderful Beta (DarlingJamesBarnes) for all her hard work in making sure I have a sensible plot and good characterization, among other things. 
> 
> I would also like to thank my wonderful artists, Lamb, whose art will eventually be posted, and hopeless-geek for making amazing art for this fic!
> 
> Please heed the warnings as this fic can get dark at times. For this particular chapter, at the end is a bit with some body horror. If you are squeamish about this, then do not read the last paragraph. 
> 
> Please enjoy and comment! Kudos are great but comments give me life! Thank you for reading!

March 10th, 2004

Brooklyn, New York. 

Steve could hardly wait to get out the door. Today was his best friend’s thirteenth birthday. Bucky Barnes had been his closest friend since they met on his first day of grade school. The two of them had made plans to meet up today. They were going to meet up at their favorite ice cream shop and hang out. Bucky would decide what they would be doing since it was his birthday after all. Steve, anxiously glancing towards the door and back to his mother, was feeling more impatient by the second. 

However, Sarah Rogers had him standing still as she buttoned up her son’s coat. It was chilly outside and the cold air wouldn’t be very good for his asthma. She did up the last button and double-checked to make sure Steve had his inhaler in his pocket. His hair was already brushed so there wasn’t much else she could do for him. In a few years she wouldn’t be able to coddle him as much since he would be wanting more independence. So she cherished these moments while she still could. 

He held a newspaper wrapped parcel in his hands. He had colored over the newspaper with the last of his blue colored pencil. Steve wouldn’t be able to get another one until next month when he got his allowance. Money was tough for the Rogers, so Steve took extra care of his art materials so they could last as long as possible. They couldn’t afford to get actual wrapping paper so Steve had to make do with this. He was glad he could at least make it look nicer. Inside was a handmade birthday present for Bucky. 

Sarah gave her son a warm smile and a kiss on the forehead. She pulled him into a quick hug before letting go and standing back up. “Have fun now, dear. Tell James I wish him a happy birthday as well.” 

She patted him on the shoulder as Steve smiled in return. “I will. Can I please go now? I don’t want to be late!” 

He was shuffling his weight between each foot and Sarah chuckled in bemusement. “Of course. Please be careful!” 

“Don’t worry Ma, really,” Steve assured her. He gave her a hug and finally hurried out the door. 

Sarah watched him run down the street before he disappeared around a corner. Steve didn’t run for long since he was starting to lose his breath. He slowed down and tried to keep breathing normally as he headed to Bucky’s. Steve really hoped Bucky would like his present, which was a short comic story featuring the two of them as superheroes. This time though, Bucky was the main superhero and Steve was the sidekick. It was Bucky’s birthday so Steve had wanted to make him the star of this comic. He had drawn it himself since he knew Bucky really admired his art skills. 

He could see Bucky’s house across the street now. He waited for a couple of police cars to race by before crossing the street. As he approached, he could see Mrs. Barnes out on her front porch. Steve stopped at the bottom of the steps and noticed that her brows were furrowed together in worry. There was a frown on her face, and it only deepened when she took notice of Steve. 

“Good afternoon, Mrs. Barnes,” said Steve politely. He had picked up on Mrs. Barnes’ unease. He hoped that a smile would make the woman’s frown go away. So he offered one and asked, “Is Bucky home?” 

“Steven?” Winnifred Barnes sounded confused as she looked down at the young boy. “I thought James was going to go see you?” 

Steve wondered if Bucky had left already. Perhaps that was why his mother looked a little worried.

“He didn’t come by my house, ma’am. I was hoping he would still be here,” Steve explained. 

Winnifred shook her head. “He left a few hours ago. Are you sure you didn’t see him?” Worry was starting to creep into her voice. 

“No, ma’am,” Steve reaffirmed. “Maybe he went to the park already. I’ll go look for him!” 

That seemed to assure Winnifred a little, but the frown still remained. “You might be right,” she said, trying to hide the uncertainty in her tone. “Have fun, okay? I’ll see you two tonight.”

Steve grinned because he knew that was because they would be eating cake and ice cream. “We’ll be back before dark, I promise,” he said. “I would never let Bucky forget to eat cake.”

The frown faded and turned into a smile as Winnifred said, “I don’t think he could, really. Now go, don’t keep him waiting too long.”

“See you later, Mrs. Barnes!” said Steve, feeling excited again. He gave her a wave before going back down the street. 

He walked at a fast pace, clutching Bucky’s present tightly in his hands. He wasn’t too bothered by Mrs. Barnes worry since he was sure that was something mothers always did. However, as he reached the park, he started to understand why. There were a few police cars parked on the street by the area. The only people he could see were some cops talking to other people near the play area. There weren’t many other children around. 

He slowly approached the park, feeling unease creep upon his shoulders. Something was very wrong here. He didn’t see Bucky anywhere either. Steve went to their usual bench in hopes of finding him. Bucky’s jacket was placed on the bench, as if he had just left it behind. That was strange seeing as it was cold this afternoon and Bucky would know better than to not keep his coat on. 

He picked up the jacket and looked around. He thought maybe Bucky would be on his way back from wherever he had gone. Steve took a seat, clutching the jacket in his small hands. He would guard Bucky’s jacket until his friend came back. He sat there for what felt like a really long time. The sun sank a little closer to the edge of the horizon. The few people in the park were starting to leave. The cops had already left as well. It was starting to get cold for Steve. He was starting to shiver a little and goosebumps were beginning to form on the back of his neck. He thought maybe he should try looking for Bucky somewhere else. The movement would warm him up as well. 

Steve got up from the bench, taking the jacket with him. Maybe Bucky had just forgotten to take it with him. He wasn’t sure why his friend would take it off in the first place, since it was so chilly outside. He left the park and headed to their favorite candy store. Maybe his friend was there, spending birthday money on sweets. Steve walked a block before reaching the street where the shop was. He entered the shop, the bell chiming as it signaled his entrance. Miss Marjorie was working the register today. Steve smiled and gave her a wave. 

“Good afternoon, Miss Marjorie,” he greeted her kindly. “Have you seen Bucky in here?” 

There was a small frown on the old woman’s face. “No, Steven, I haven’t. Shouldn’t you be at home right now?” 

“No, ma’am,” answered Steve. He approached the counter as he said, “I’m looking for Bucky. It’s his birthday today and I wanted to give him his present.”

Marjorie’s frown deepened and she said, “Steven, there is trouble in the streets today. You really should go home. It’s not safe for kids right now.” 

“Oh…” Steve thought of the cops he had seen at the park. He also remembered the two cars that had raced by while he was on his way to Bucky’s house. He wondered if that had to do with what Marjorie was talking about. “Okay, but if you see Bucky, please tell him I have his present ready.” 

“Of course dear,” she assured him. “Now go straight home before you make your mother worry any more.” 

“Yes ma’am,” said Steve. “Have a good evening!” 

Marjorie’s words made Steve a little scared. It really sounded like something bad was happening today. He did as he was told and headed right home. He remembered he still had Bucky’s jacket and decided to make a quick detour. He would drop it off at Bucky’s house. Unfortunately a policeman on patrol caught sight of him. The policeman pulled his car over to the sidewalk and rolled down his window. Steve looked at the man in confusion. 

“On your way home son?” the policeman asked him. 

“Yes sir,” said Steve politely. “I was going to drop this jacket off at my friend’s first.” 

The cop shook his head sternly. “I don’t think that’s a good idea right now young man. Everyone needs to be at home right now since there is trouble afoot. Is your home far?” 

Steve pointed ahead of him and said, “It’s just down the block.”

The cop seemed relieved at that. “All right. Go home son. You can deliver that to your friend tomorrow.” 

Steve sighed but he didn’t want to risk disobeying a policeman. “If you say so, sir.” 

The cop tipped his hat and rolled his window back up. He gave Steve a wave before driving off down the road. Steve continued walking home. His heart sank to the bottom of his chest as he realized he might not be able to see Bucky today. His pace slowed as he reached his front porch. He was just about to open the door when it opened itself. Or rather, his mother had opened it before he could. Steve was pulled inside and into a tight hug. 

“Steven, thank the lord. Are you alright?” his mother asked, pulling back a little and searching her son’s face. 

“I’m fine, ma. Why?” He didn’t like the way his mother sounded so scared.    
Sarah put a hand on the side of Steve’s face, looking very relieved to see him. “Some officers came by earlier. James has been reported missing.” 

Steve’s eyes widened in surprise. “M-missing? Like he’s hiding?” 

His mother’s eyes were becoming tearful. “No, darling. I mean missing as in someone’s taken him.” 

A mixture of emotions flickered across Steve’s face. Confusion and fear were first. “He’s gone?” 

“I’m so sorry, honey. The police are trying to find him now. It seems that James was taken along with some other kids as well,” Sarah explained. 

Steve started feeling panicked. His breath quickened and he could feel horror taking hold of his chest. He reached for his inhaler and tried to bring it to his mouth. Sarah gently held his shaking hand and waited while Steve used it to steady his breathing. 

“Who…?” 

Steve was trying to think who would take him. But it wasn’t like he knew a whole ton of people. There were his teachers, but they were all so  _ nice. _ He didn’t think any of them would take Bucky. He thought of the doctors he had been to see in his life. There was no reason he could think of for them either. 

“I don’t know, Steven. The police said someone saw him getting into a van, but nothing else,” said Sarah, her voice heavy. 

“But…” Steve looked down at the two items he still held in his hands. “He doesn’t have his jacket. I didn’t get to give him his present!” 

It was now that Steve started to cry. Bucky was missing because some bad guys had taken him. That fact was sinking in deep and Steve couldn’t take it. He dropped the jacket and the present, forgetting about them altogether. He fell into his mother’s arms, crying. His breaths became short again and he started hiccuping. The crying was making it hard for him to breathe. His mother held him close and brought the inhaler back to his lips. Steve cried into the inhaler, tears rolling down his cheeks as he struggled to breathe at the same time. 

When Steve finally calmed down a little, Sarah suggested he eat something to feel better. Steve shook his head. He wasn’t hungry at all. Bucky should have been home eating cake and ice cream with him. Not somewhere being hurt by bad guys. He looked at the present on the floor, thinking of the superheroes in the comic. If they really were superheroes, then Bucky could escape. They weren’t. Bucky was just a kid. Even though Bucky had been the one to defend him from bullies and sit with him at the lunch table, he wasn’t invincible. He was a kid just like Steve. 

Steve excused himself and went to his room. Right now he just wanted to be alone. He kicked off his shoes and crawled into his bed. He curled up into the fetal position and pulled the covers over his head. He closed his eyes, crying softly now. He ended up crying himself to sleep. 

~

July 4th, 2006.    
Brooklyn, New York. 

A package arrived on the Barnes family’s doorstep one late afternoon. The box itself had a terrible stench. A wetness could be felt on the bottom of the box, making a dark spot show through. Inside of it was a severed arm, clearly torn from someone’s body. Torn ligaments sagged from the flesh which was already stained a dark red. It had simply been dropped into the box. The arm hadn’t even been cleaned off. The bone was clearly visible, jutting out from where the arm would have connected to the shoulder. Becca Barnes said she had heard her mother scream from the doorway. The package had come with a letter. It was only a short note that read, “HAIL HYDRA.”

Steve hadn’t learned of those details until years later. At the time, he had only been told that the Barnes family had received confirmation that their son was dead. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I talked with my Beta and we both agree that this fic should have more than 5 chapters, if only to make it more organized and sensible. So I'm not sure how many chapters there will be just yet, but overall storywise I have finished 3/4ths. 
> 
> I will make a note for the chapter with the triggering content, so no worries there.
> 
> Please enjoy and remember, comments are life!
> 
> Next update will be this Thursday because I'm too excited.

May 5th, 2016.

Northern Virginia

Alpine Psychiatric Center

 

_“...And back to our earlier report from this morning. Here is the latest development in our story. Another hideout run by the notorious cult, Hydra, was discovered in West Virginia. After hearing reports from nearby civilians, police were alerted to the area when an unusual gas was released into the atmosphere. Citizens had been warned to evacuate the area until it was confirmed that the gas was non-poisonous. Upon entering the hideout, dead cult members were found. There were a few found injured and they’ve been transported to the hospital for care. Federal agents are still searching the area for any other survivors. We still have not heard from-”_

Steve cut off the television. He didn’t want to watch anymore of the report. He didn’t need to. He was already well up to date on the status of the hunt for Hydra. All he had wanted to know was if they had found another hideout and if there were any survivors. Since the day the Barnes family had received that package, Steve had a deep hatred for Hydra. To him, it was confirmation that his best friend was dead. George Barnes had reported it to the police who had already been a little suspicious of the group for some time. It wasn’t long before the case was taken to a federal level. Hydra was a cult that had bases all over the country. While he couldn’t do anything himself, the fact that they were being investigated by the government put him at ease a little. He had kept his eye on the news every day since then.

He stretched his legs out in front of him. It was 30 minutes past noon. He was currently on his lunch break in the cafe. Now 24 years old, Steve lived in the neighborhood that was right next to where he worked. He worked at a recovery center for cult victims, which of course was inspired by him losing his best friend to Hydra. Steve’s role was an art therapist. It was a pretty easy job for him since he had always loved art. It didn’t pay as much as most other jobs, but he didn’t mind. The work was very rewarding in itself due to he was doing something he enjoyed and helping others at the same time.

Steve’s pocket began vibrating. Or rather, his phone was starting to vibrate. He was receiving a call, judging by the vibration pattern. He pulled out his phone and looked at the screen. It was from Becca. He hadn’t heard from her in a few weeks. He swiped the screen to accept the call and brought the phone to his ear.

He cleared his throat before greeting Becca. “Good afternoon, stranger,” he said half teasingly.

    “Shut up,” Becca muttered. She drew a shaky breath and her voice sounded thick and heavy as she asked, “Have you been watching the news?”

Steve glanced at the TV which he had already turned off, thinking of the report he had just seen. “Yeah, why?” he asked, leaning forward in his seat.

“Well I just got a call,” said Becca slowly. She sounded like she was being careful with her words. “Um...they may have found my brother.”

Steve went still. His eyes flickered back towards the TV and out of curiosity, he reached for the remote with his free hand. He switched the TV back on and saw that the same report was still being discussed.

_“...We’ll be back this evening and hopefully with an update on the injured few. This has been…”_

Steve broke his attention away from the TV. Becca was still on the line, and he could hear her steady breathing. He swallowed hard and licked his lips. Could it really be true? Even though it had already been so long…

“Are you sure?” Steve asked finally.

“The description seems to match a little,” Becca explained. “One of the officers thought they recognized him. They’re going through a bunch of files they found at the hideout now. The officer called me about it an hour ago.”

Steve was quiet. His mind was reeling. He had been convinced his best friend was dead. There had been no other notes from Hydra about Bucky being dead or alive. He wanted to hope that Bucky really was alive but he didn’t want to feed into that too much. He could still remember Bucky as a kid. He remembered their time in school together and all the back alleyways they had explored. They had both been so young. He had never been able to picture Bucky as an adult. Would he even still be the same? Chances were, that if Bucky was alive, he could look like an entirely different person.

“Steve, are you still there?” Becca’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts.

“Yeah, sorry,” Steve apologized. “Um, call me if you get any confirmation, okay? Please?”

He could hear the smile in her voice as she replied, “Of course Steve. I don’t know if it really is him, but I’m going to drive to the hospital now. I’ll call you again later.”

Steve nodded, but reminded himself that this was a phone conversation. “Thank you Becca. Really.”

“No problem Steve. Later,” she replied before a beep could be heard signalling her hanging up.

Steve looked down at the last of his lunch. He didn’t really want to eat anymore as he wasn’t in the mood. His mind was racing at the prospect that Bucky had been _found._ He could have his best friend back. Steve felt a tight knot form at the back of his throat. He could still remember his best friend’s face as clear as day. He hoped Bucky might remember him as well. His eyes began tearing up and he quickly wiped them away with his hands. He drew a deep breath and exhaled. Steve needed to pull himself together. He did have to go back to work after all, as the clock on the wall helpfully reminded him. He got up from the seat and went to throw his trash away. There was one more group he had to meet with this afternoon before he was done for the day. He started heading back to his classroom.

The facility was a group of three buildings built close together. One was a large clinic where clients would go to get psychological assessments and other tests. The second building was the actual therapy center with different departments for different kinds of therapy. They offered art therapy, animal therapy, cognitive therapy, and spiritual therapy. The last building was simply the main office building.

Steve made his way to the main therapy building. He went inside and to his room to set up for group. He checked the list of names of clients who were scheduled to be in this session. Before every session, he had to look at the status of each client so he could know what their assignment would be. Everyone was a little different, so he rarely gave people the same task. However, he did like to offer a different art style every week. So clients in the same session would be using the same mediums regardless of their tasks. There were some cases where that wasn’t possible, but Steve liked to do it when he could.

    A little over an hour passed and it was nearing the beginning of the session. Steve went and opened the door, propping it open with a stopper before pulling out his phone. He was hoping there would be another message from Becca. He didn’t see one yet. Steve was a little disappointed, but he knew he shouldn’t get his hopes up too high. He heard the voices of approaching clients and quickly pocketed his phone. With a smile, he greeted them and invited them into the room.

    This week’s art style was paper mache. He was prepared for a little bit of a mess. Several of the clients were able to avoid getting too much glue all over their projects. Others weren’t so lucky. Steve went around to each client, spending a maximum of five minutes to talk to each one and learning of their progress. He was able to take his mind off of the recent news for a while. He didn’t think about it again until after the session was over and everyone had left. Steve was just leaving when his cellphone rang again.

    He stepped to the side of the path to avoid being in anyone’s way as he answered the phone. He hadn’t bothered to look at the caller I.D. as he knew who it would be.

    “Becca?”

    “Yeah, it’s me,” came the reply. Becca sounded like she had been crying. Steve wasn’t sure if that was good or bad. “Steve it’s-it’s him. It’s really him,” her voice was soft and he could hear her sniffling on the other end.

    Steve moved further off the path and onto the grass. He sat down and folded his knees up a little so he could rest an elbow on them. It really was Bucky. His best friend really was alive. Becca was sniffling on the other line but not saying anything. He was grateful that she was giving him a moment. He thought of the arm Bucky’s family had received. So the cult had mislead them into thinking he was dead. They had torn it off for some unknown, sick and twisted reason.

    “Is he...how is he?” Steve asked finally.

    “Um,” Becca paused before saying, “I’m with him right now. In the hospital room. He’s asleep because they’ve put him under a bunch of drugs. Pain killers and all that. He looks kind of beaten up, but they’ve bandaged all his wounds. He hasn’t woken up yet so I haven’t gotten a chance to speak to him.”

    Steve let out a sigh of relief. It didn’t sound like Bucky was in critical condition. He wanted to go see him.

“Is it okay if I come see him?” he asked hopefully.

    “I don’t know if they’ll let anyone who isn’t family see him, but I can ask,” said Becca. “If not, I’d still like you to come. I could use a hug.”

    Steve smiled faintly. “I can do that. I’ll see you soon then,” he said.

    “Okay, see you soon,” said Becca.

    Steve said a goodbye before he hung up. He got back up to his feet. He stared at his phone for a moment. Bucky was alive. Sure he was at a hospital, but he was still _alive._ Steve went from the center to his neighborhood. He didn’t want to bother going home to change. Right now he just wanted to go straight to the hospital. He went to his car and quickly got in before driving away from the residential area.

    Becca sent him a text saying where the hospital was located. He followed the directions and arrived there within a few hours. Steve didn’t slow down as he made a beeline straight into the hospital. He approached the reception desk and introduced himself before asking if he could see Bucky. As expected, he was denied and told to wait in the waiting room. Becca would be out to see him shortly.

    Steve didn’t sit down when he went in. He was too anxious and stayed near the door. Eventually Becca came in and she immediately ran over and hugged Steve. He held the hug for a while as they both needed the comfort. Finally drawing apart, Steve looked at Becca expectantly.

    “He’s still sleeping,” said Becca. “Though maybe if you tell them where you work, you might be able to.”

    He hadn’t even thought of that. “Good point. Give me a second.”

    He had his employee I.D. in his wallet so he brought that over to the reception desk. Becca went with him and pleaded with the receptionist to give the okay. The I.D. was enough so Steve was given permission. Becca led him into the main hospital building and to the room where Bucky was stationed. He stopped at the door, not going all the way into the room just yet.

    He could see Bucky on the bed. Or at least an aged version of the friend he remembered. Bucky was on his back with his arms bandaged and connected to wires which were attached to an I.V. next to the bed. He had a few cuts on his face and Steve could see bandages wrapped around his chest. His hair had grown longer but kept its color. He felt a nudge from Becca, encouraging him to go into the room.

    Slowly, Steve walked in and to the bedside. Up close he saw a flattened sleeve where Bucky’s left arm should have been. It was a bit strange, seeing him like this. He knew this meant he should have his best friend back, but looking at him now, Steve doubted it would be the same. It was a sad fact that weighed heavily on his heart. Did Bucky even remember him? He really hoped he did. Even if it was only a little.

    He sensed Becca appearing at his side. “Has he said anything since they found him? Do you know?” he asked her.

    Becca shook her head. “He hasn’t said much at all. He’s been mostly quiet. The doctors said he should wake up again soon.”

    Steve nodded, not saying anything. He looked back to Bucky, wishing his friend could be awake so he could talk to him. He knew he needed to be patient though. His best friend had just spent ten years in a dangerous cult, going through who knows what kind of horrors the group made up. He needed to rest for a while.

    A nurse walked into the room and told them they had to leave so she could do a few check-ups. Becca tugged on Steve’s arm and he reluctantly followed her out of the room. He looked back towards the door, wanting to still be in there.

    “Hey,” Becca drew his attention. “Go back to the waiting room, okay? I’ll let you know if he wakes up at all.”

    Steve frowned but he didn’t want to start breaking any hospital rules. He sighed in resignation and retreated to the waiting room. He sat down in a spot close to the door. He pulled out his phone in hopes of attempting to distract himself. It was a little after 4pm and he did have a few messages from his friends. He opened one of the message threads which were from Sam Wilson. Reading the messages, he felt a little guilty as he had forgotten they had plans for after work. Steve sent an apology and an explanation for where he was. A few minutes later he got a response.

    _Sam: Well damn. He ok?_

_Steve: I’m not really sure yet. He hasn’t woken up._

_Sam: Can I do anything?_

_Steve: Not rn. Sorry about canceled plans._

_Sam: No worries man :) Lemme kno if u need anything._

_Steve: Thanks._

    A smile tugged at Steve’s lips. Hearing from his friend had lifted his spirits up a little. He closed the thread and read the other message he had gotten. It was one from Natasha Romanoff. She had been planning on joining Steve and Sam that night and he felt a little guiltier. But this was Natasha, he reminded himself. She was pretty understanding at times. He sent the same explanation he had given Sam, adding that he had already talked to him.

    _Natasha: Shit. It’s really him, huh?_

_Steve: Yeah. Waiting for him to wake up._

_Natasha: Tell me how it goes. If u want to do drinks l8r lemme know. Its on me._

_Steve: Thanks Nat :)_

    Steve smiled at the screen before closing the message app. He looked up towards the clock which now read 4:43pm. About ten minutes had passed. Steve let himself sink further into his seat, not wanting to leave until he heard from Becca again. He distracted himself more by reading all the various magazines in the room. He went for a bathroom break at one point and returned to his seat. Steve sat there for another hour until Becca finally came back into the waiting room. He immediately got up from his seat, a hopeful expression on his face.

    Becca spotted Steve almost as soon as he stood up. “He’s awake,” she said with a small smile on her face.

    Steve’s eyes widened as Becca motioned for him to follow. He went with her out of the waiting room and to Bucky’s hospital room. Becca went in first and he heard her tell Bucky someone was here to see him. Steve walked into the room, his eyes going right to Bucky. His best friend was indeed awake. He looked somewhat confused for a moment. He was still looking around the hospital room a bit as if trying to take in his surroundings. His gaze returned to Steve and stopped. Steve smiled in both relief and happiness. When he didn’t see any recognition though, his smile faded slightly. He approached the hospital bed, warily. His old friend’s eyes were still on him.

    “Bucky?” Steve spoke his nickname, unsure if he would even remember it.

    Bucky’s brows furrowed together in confusion. “That’s…” his voice was raw and hoarse. He tried to clear his throat, but winced when he swallowed. “She said that was my nickname…”

His gaze flickered to somewhere behind Steve. He guessed his friend was talking about Becca. She was still by the door, watching the two of them quietly.

Steve nodded and said, “Yeah, you told me to call you that when we were kids.”

Bucky returned his gaze to Steve. He blinked a few times, staring at him more intensely. “That name...my name is the Winter Soldier. They told me that was my name. Not Bucky…”

Steve guessed he was talking about the cult. He thought back to his training and about how to handle this kind of situation. He knew he would get a passive answer but he asked anyway.

“Bucky’s easier to say than the Winter Soldier. Can I call you Bucky?” he asked gently.

Bucky was quiet for a moment. He still looked a little uncertain. Eventually he nodded. “Yes.”

“Okay, my name is Steve. Do you remember me?”

Bucky’s eyes widened and Steve could see fear in them. “No, I don’t,” he answered. “I’m sorry.” Then he curled in on himself, tensing up as if awaiting punishment. His arm wrapped around his torso protectively and he bent his head down.

Steve was patient. He didn’t say anything for a moment but his friend still didn’t look back up at him. “I’m not going to hurt you, Bucky,” he assured him. “It’s okay if you don’t remember.”

His friend slowly lifted his head back up. There was surprise in his eyes but also a glimmer of relief. “Okay…” he whispered.

“Bucky, how are you feeling?” Steve asked. He was going through a checklist of questions that he remembered from training.

Bucky seemed to be in thought for a moment before replying. “Alone...I can’t go back. There’s nothing to go back to.”

Steve nodded in understanding and asked, “What do you want to do now?”

Bucky met his gaze again as he replied, “I don’t know... I’m lost.”  
    “You’ll need to rest here for a few days, probably,” said Steve. “But when you get discharged, there’s a good place where you can stay. A good place with good people and you’ll be free to do what you want.”

Bucky frowned. He studied Steve carefully for a moment. He swallowed again, seemingly deep in thought. Then he finally nodded slowly. “Okay.”

Steve’s heart broke at how submissive his old friend was being. It pained him to see Bucky like this. The boy he remembered had been so confident and could easily talk to others. This was a reclusive shell of the best friend he once knew. He sighed, feeling a heaviness in his chest.

“I need to go do a few things, okay? I’ll be back later. I promise.”

Bucky didn’t look so sure of that. Still, he nodded in acknowledgement. Steve turned and looked over at Becca. She looked like she was trying not to cry. He led her out of the room and the two of them hugged tightly.

Steve pulled back and spoke, “I’m going to call the center. We have a new client and we’ll need to get him registered. He won’t be safe on his own right now.”

Becca nodded slowly. “I get it. Can...Can I still come visit him at the center?”

Steve smiled and said, “Absolutely. It’s actually going to be necessary for his recovery, but yes you can.”

Becca sniffled and looked back into the room. Bucky had now moved his attention to the window. She started to walk back in and looked over her shoulder at Steve.

“I’m going to stay with him for a while longer,” she explained.

“Of course,” said Steve. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Steve returned to the waiting room. He leaned back against the wall, needing a moment to himself. Bucky was displaying the right symptoms that would allow him to go through a normal recovery. However, his old friend didn’t remember him. And that hurt like hell. Steve knew it would likely take a while before any memories did emerge for Bucky. In his pain he felt an anger towards Hydra. Anger towards the cult for making his best friend like this. He had his best friend back, but there was no way things would completely go back to normal after ten years.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another update as promised! So for this fic, updates will be Tuesdays and Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays. This fic will be 11 or 12 chapters long, that I can promise. I'm still organizing the timeline for this story. 
> 
> I hope you guys like this chapter, and as always please comment as I live on those! Thank you guys for reading :D

May 14th, 2016

Northern Virginia.

Alpine Psychiatric Center

Bucky was discharged a few days after he had woken up. He got transported to the recovery center and put into the clinic so his condition could be assessed further. He needed to be put into a recovery plan and assigned to a department or multiple departments that would help him recuperate. Steve visited him every day over the course of the next two weeks. In the meantime, Becca made plans to move to the residential area for the summer. She would only be able to stay until August before she had to return to college. She paid for one of the rental homes where she and Bucky would be able to live together for the next few months.

Becca and Steve helped him get settled into his new home. His sister got a temporary position at a drugstore in a town close to the recovery center. She would be able to provide for herself and Bucky and avoid using much of her money that was saved for college. Bucky was placed into a group therapy program for former cult members. Meetings were held twice a week and Bucky would attend them for the next few months. Eventually Bucky was able to walk around as he pleased. Steve would occasionally join him on these walks since he wanted a chance to reconnect with his old friend.

~

June 19th, 2016

It was now halfway through June. Steve and Bucky were on another one of their walks around the center. Bucky was quiet as he followed Steve around the building. He seemed a little wary. Steve was careful to remain calm and not make any jerky movements. He didn’t want to scare the poor guy off. Bucky kept his distance but was sure to keep him in sight. Steve didn’t want to question his behavior in fear of upsetting him.

“You okay, Buck?” Steve asked.    

Bucky’s eyes flickered over to him as he spoke. Then he looked to his right before saying, “I want to go outside. Away from here.”

Steve had been planning to offer to show him around town too, anyway. “We can do that,” he said agreeably.

Bucky fell silent again but followed him out of the center. Steve walked into the parking lot, looking over his shoulder to make sure his friend was still with him. He was, and he looked a lot more relaxed. Maybe he really just needed to be outside. Bucky slowed to a stop as they approached Steve’s car. He eyed it hesitantly, and Steve raised an eyebrow at him.

“We can get to town faster if we go by car,” he explained gently.

Bucky considered this for a moment and to Steve’s relief, he moved to the passenger side. Steve got in the car and waited for Bucky to put on his seatbelt. However, his friend made no move to do so. He wondered if Bucky had forgotten it or if there was another reason.

“Bucky, you have to wear your seatbelt. It’s the l-erm, it’s for safety.” He corrected himself quickly before saying ‘law.’ It was a potential trigger that could make Bucky feel constricted. However, he had already picked up on Steve’s mistake.

“What were you going to say?” he asked, looking at Steve intently.

Steve sighed. He couldn’t lie to his friend. Any lies would ruin any trust that may have been built between them.

“The law,” he said cautiously. “It’s illegal to not wear a seatbelt.”

Bucky looked away from Steve to the strap that hung limply against his seat. Then he asked, “Does it hurt?”

Steve felt a sharp pain in his heart. He hadn’t even considered that a seatbelt would be a trigger. He swallowed hard, feeling pity for his friend. Bucky was still watching him closely.

“No, it-it doesn’t hurt, Bucky,” said Steve. He was trying to hide the pain in his voice. “Look, I’m wearing one myself. It doesn’t hurt a bit.”

Steve gestured to his seat belt which was already strapped across him. Bucky gave it a long look. Then he reached with his single arm to take ahold of his own. His arm was stiff and his hand shook a little as he grasped at the belt. He ran his hand down to the latch and clutched it in his hand for a moment. He tilted his head a little in confusion. Then he looked towards the buckle and lowered the latch down, locking it into place. When Bucky heard the click, he jumped a little as if expecting something to happen. Then his shoulders seemed to sag in relief and he leaned back against the seat.

Steve’s anger towards Hydra burned hotter. His knuckles turned white as his grip on the clutch tightened. He sucked in a deep breath, looking straight ahead. He told him to calm down as his former best friend was in the car right next to him. He looked back towards Bucky who had his eyes on him again. He looked a little guarded and Steve’s eyes softened immediately.

“Nothing in this car is going to hurt you, okay? I promise you,” he said firmly.

Bucky didn’t say anything. He only gave a slight nod and turned his attention away. He looked towards the road and Steve let out a slow sigh. Steve pulled the car out of the parking lot and drove into town. His passenger was quiet during the whole ride. He looked out the window most of the time, occasionally looking towards Steve every now and then. They finally got into town and Steve parked the car near a strip mall. He turned off the engine and removed his seat belt. Bucky copied him, looking only too eager to remove the restraining strap from his body.

Steve broke the silence as he gestured around them. “All right, Bucky. There’s a lot of places we can go here, but we can just walk around until you find something you want to do,” he explained. “It’s up to you.”

Bucky’s eyes widened in surprise, as if not expecting to be allowed the opportunity to choose where to go. He searched Steve’s face for any signs of deception. Seeing none, he swallowed and looked to be in thought. Finally he spoke.

“We could walk around for a bit,” he said decisively.

Steve smiled amicably and tilted his head in a ‘let’s go’ motion. The two of them got out of the car and Steve made sure to lock the door behind them. Bucky surveyed the area around them before looking curiously back at Steve. He seemed expectant, which only confused Steve.

Bucky picked up on Steve’s confusion and spoke, “I’m ready for your next order."

“Order?” Steve repeated dumbly. Then it dawned on him. Bucky had been pretty passive most of the time, only going for Steve’s suggestions. His friend hadn’t really spoken much of his own desires. He didn’t seem to realize that he had a lot of free will now that he was no longer in the cult.

“No, Buck,” Steve started. “I’m not here to give you orders. We’re just here for leisure time. We can do whatever we want.”

Bucky frowned, looking more lost now. He stood there with his eyes on Steve, looking unsure about this whole situation. The former cult member had no direction now that he was free from Hydra’s clutches. He needed to relearn how to lead himself back into a normal life. All Steve could really do was just be his friend.

Then there was a slight rumble. It sounded very faint but it came from Bucky’s midsection. He looked down at himself, drawing his single hand up to his stomach. Steve’s lips broke out into a smile as he chuckled in bemusement.

“Let’s go get something to eat then,” Steve suggested. “I could use some food, myself.”

Bucky returned his attention to Steve, lowering his hand. “Yes..food is good,” he said slowly.

“There’s a burger place over at the strip mall,” Steve informed him. “Burgers and fries sound good to you?”

Confusion clouded Bucky’s expression. “I don’t know...or remember,” he confessed. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry Buck,” Steve tried to assure him. “We’ll find out for ourselves. Come on.”

“Yes sir,” said Bucky as he followed Steve towards the burger place.

Steve tried not to wince at the automated response. That habit would probably take some time to lose. He continued on until they reached the burger place. It was a classic restaurant and one of Steve’s favorite burger joints in town. He could remember going there once when he was a kid. It had been a birthday gift from the Barnes family. Bucky had gone with him as well. Steve could remember his friend liking it, and hoped he still would.

Steve held the door open for Bucky and followed him inside. It wasn’t too crowded today, which was probably for the best. He led him to where Bucky could see the big menu signs behind the counters. His friend studied them for a minute before turning his attention back to Steve.

“What should I get?” Bucky asked.

From any onlookers, it would sound like it was Bucky’s first time in the place and he was asking for a recommendation. Steve was the only one who knew otherwise. How restricted had Bucky really been in the cult? At this point it seemed like all he really did was follow orders. Steve wanted to encourage him to make his own choices. He couldn’t be making all of them for Bucky.

“It’s up to you, Bucky. Just pick anything you want,” Steve offered. Then he added. “I’ll pay for it all, so don’t worry about that.”

Bucky seemed hesitant but nodded slowly and looked over the menu again, eventually deciding on a double cheese burger. Steve put in both of their orders and then he looked around for somewhere they could sit. He found a table and motioned for Bucky to follow him over.  

Bucky came off as wary as he regarded the food once it was set in front of him. He slowly took hold of the burger with one hand and brought it to his mouth. Glad to see he was eating something, Steve started in on his fries. Bucky took a small bite of the burger, chewing steadily while keeping his eyes on it. He made a noise and took a bigger bite without even swallowing first.

Steve couldn’t help but chuckle a little bit. It reminded him of when they were kids and Bucky would always take big bites of whatever he ate. At the laugh, Bucky’s jaw froze. He looked at Steve like a deer caught in the headlights. Steve’s laugh was cut short and his amusement was quickly replaced with unease.

“Bucky, you’re fine,” Steve assuaged him. “You were just reminding me of your old self, that’s all.”

“Oh..” Bucky appeared to relax a little. His mouth still full of food, he chewed and swallowed before asking, “Is that good or bad?”

“Definitely good,” Steve guaranteed. He smiled heartily and gestured towards the fries. “Try those. They’re the best in town.”

Bucky set the burger down and inspected the fries on his plate. He took one and dipped it in the ketchup provided. He popped it into his mouth with more confidence than he had with the burger. His eyes widened and he reached for another fry.

“I think I remember these…” said Bucky as he ate his fries. “The taste, I think I remember the taste.”

Steve’s spirits were lifted at hearing this. There was definitely hope for his old best friend. He smiled and ate his own burger. Both men were silent through most of the meal, with the occasional comment on the food from Bucky. Once they were close to being finished, Steve offered Bucky the rest of his fries. Bucky accepted them with a single thank you and Steve waited while he finished them off.

Once Bucky’s plate was cleared, Steve asked, “Did you get enough? We can order more.”

Bucky considered this for a moment before shaking his head. “I’m done,” he replied.

“All right, want to go then? We still have plenty of time to see more of the town,” Steve offered.

 “Okay,” Bucky stated reflexively, as if accepting an order.

 Steve’s jaw twitched but he stopped himself. He wasn’t Bucky’s therapist. He was his friend and could only offer support and companionship. He got up from his seat, scooping up his tray as he did so. Bucky automatically did the same and followed him to the trashcan, copying Steve’s movements. When they exited the restaurant, Steve spoke as they continued walking.

    “We’ll head further into town. It’s a couple blocks if you prefer walking,” he explained.

    “Sure.”

Bucky was still being agreeable. Steve hoped they would eventually find something that really caught Bucky’s interest. Then maybe he wouldn’t have to be so reliant on Steve. They walked further into town, Bucky mostly following. He was mostly silent and Steve found comfort in hearing Bucky’s footsteps. Until he didn’t. Steve slowed and turned his head. He saw Bucky crossing the street. He went to follow him but a couple of cars were approaching. Steve waited for the cars to pass, glad that Bucky had gotten to the other side before they had appeared. His friend was getting a little farther away now.

“Bucky, wait up!” he called out.

The road was clear so he went into a light jog across the street. Bucky hadn’t quite heard him so Steve went from a jog to a run. Steve was risking an asthma attack but he wanted to catch up to Bucky.  He could feel his breath coming up short as his lungs threatened to shrink on him. Steve was forced to slow down as he felt his lungs start burning. Steve let out one last shout for Bucky before he began wheezing. Panic started to rise in him and he reached into his pocket for his inhaler. Breathing was more difficult and his hands were shaking. He started coughing, his lungs unable to take in any air.

His fingers finally wrapped around the inhaler and he pulled it out. His eyes were tearing up as he struggled to breathe. Then a hand took ahold of the one holding his inhaler and it was brought up to his lips.

“P-push-” Steve sputtered out before the mouthpiece was put into his mouth.

He took in a deep breath as the medicine made it into his system. Steve’s hand stilled and he was able to hold the inhaler properly as he used it. He closed his eyes, waiting for his breathing to become steady again. Then he opened his eyes again and saw Bucky watching him with a worried expression.

“I’m okay,” he reassured Bucky. He took in another deep breath and exhaled. “Thank you. I’m sorry about that. Just don’t disappear on me like that, okay?”

Bucky nodded slowly and said, “There was a kid in the same group I was in. He had asthma too. I tried to take care of him but...they thought he was too weak. His life was given to Hydra.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” said Steve genuinely.

Bucky didn’t respond to that. Instead he asked, “What’s that place up there?”

Bucky pointed in the direction he had been headed. Steve followed his finger and his eyes landed on what was the local animal shelter. He smiled, glad Bucky now had something he wanted to see for himself.

“It’s an animal shelter,” Steve replied. “Want to go check it out?”

Bucky nodded emphatically and Steve smiled more.

“Lead the way, pal,” Steve encouraged him.

Bucky resumed heading towards the shelter with Steve in tow. Steve had only been there a few times. His friends Natasha and Clint owned the place. He knew Natasha would be glad to see he was doing okay and she would be able to meet Bucky. Steve noticed Bucky was occasionally glancing back at him every now and then as they walked together. He wondered if Bucky was still worried about him so Steve offered a smile to put his friend’s worries at ease.

They finally approached the shelter and Steve was pleased to see Bucky taking the initiative to walk in on his own. He went in after Bucky and they were welcomed by Phil Coulson. He was the one who did the office work and was usually the one to drive animals to and from the shelter.

“Hey Phil,” Steve greeted him in return. “This is Bucky. He saw this place and wanted to see inside.”

He motioned to Bucky who seemed somewhat nervous. “Hey,” Bucky said in acknowledgement. “Steve said this was a shelter for animals?”

“That’s right,” Phil confirmed. “We only hold dogs and cats, but we take care of them as long as we need to. You’d be surprised at how many of these animals get abandoned by their owners.”

Bucky listened attentively and glanced towards Steve for a second. He bit his lower lip, seemingly in thought. Then he looked back to Phil and asked, “Could I see them?”

Phil beamed at him. “Absolutely! If you could follow me, I’ll show you to our housing area.”

Steve nodded in encouragement at Bucky after getting another look from him. Then Phil led both of them through a door and down a hallway. Sounds of barking could be heard and Bucky jumped a little in alarm. Steve put a comforting hand on Bucky’s shoulder, who in turn relaxed at his touch. Phil opened another door and urged the two of them through. They were outside again and in an outdoor area. There were many dogs running about and a few here and there being lazy. The dogs took notice of their arrival and several of them came up to greet the group.

The dogs started jumping up on them and it sent Bucky into a panic. He backed away immediately towards the doorway behind them. Steve heard Bucky start hyperventilating and turned from the dogs to try and help. Bucky desperately grasped for the handle, pressing his body against the door as if he could go through by sheer force. Then Phil let out a loud whistle. The dogs quieted down and Bucky stood frozen in place. His eyes were on Phil, fearful and tense.

“Bucky, you’re okay,” Steve soothed his friend, moving close to him and putting a hand on his shoulder. “You’re safe. I promise.”

He could feel Bucky shaking under his hand. Bucky’s eyes were wide as he glanced around at their environment. He seemed to be hyperalert and Steve could see his knuckles turning white from gripping the handle so tightly. Steve heard the dogs whining a little in confusion. Phil shooed them away for the moment and gave Bucky an apologetic look.

“I’m really sorry about that, I should have warned you first,” he apologized sincerely.

“Let’s go back inside,” Steve suggested softly.

He put a hand on the doorknob and Bucky moved so he could open the door. The three of them went back into the hallway and Phil made sure the door was shut tight behind them. Bucky was still very tense though the shaking had ceased. Steve turned his attention to Phil who looked very guilty about what had just happened.

“How about we see the cats? They’ll be a lot calmer,” Phil recommended.

Steve nodded, liking that idea. He led Bucky by the arm as Phil led them to a kitty playroom. He opened the door and the group went inside quickly, making sure to not let any cats escape. Several cats were in the room. A red haired woman was with them and her face lit up when she saw Steve.

“Steeeeeve!” she cried out with glee, getting up from her seat.

“Hey Natasha,” Steve greeted with a grin.

Natasha pulled him into a tight hug before finally taking notice of Bucky. Her eyes lit up in recognition since she had seen him in a few pictures Steve had shown her. Then she picked up on the tension radiating from Bucky and her eyes softened a little. She looked Bucky up and down, narrowing her eyes and then turning to Phil.

“You showed him the dogs first, didn’t you?” she said almost accusingly.

Phil sighed lightly, obviously still feeling bad about earlier. “Yes. I didn’t realize that this was _that_ Bucky. I’m very sorry about that.”

Natasha nodded in understanding. “All right. Well you can go. I got it from here.”

Phil left and Steve turned back to Bucky. His friend seemed much more relaxed and a few curious cats had come over to take a sniff at him. Bucky was thankfully much calmer now and he was watching the cats with a neutral expression.

Natasha smiled warmly and said, “If you sit down, they might sit with you and let you pet them.”

Bucky gave her a wide eyed look when she suddenly spoke to him. Then he considered this and moved over to a small chair in the room. Some of the cats followed him over and he took a seat. One cat, a soot-furred kitten with white paws hopped up on his lap. Bucky was still, seemingly unsure of how to respond to this cat.

Steve felt Natasha give him a nudge and heard her whisper, “Let’s give him a moment. How are you doing, Steve?”

“Better,” Steve replied honestly. “I mean I’m glad to have him back. But he doesn’t seem to remember much. The cult did a number on him.”

He looked back to Bucky who was tentatively petting the cat’s back. His arm moved robotically and Steve wondered when the last time Bucky had ever held an animal was. For once Bucky seemed to have completely lowered his guard and looked confident that he was in a safe place. Bucky’s focus was completely on the cat as it purred underneath his touch. The cat had taken a seat and its tail laid across the crook of Bucky’s elbow. Its paws were tucked in underneath and the eyes were closed shut in content.

Bucky’s hand stopped moving and just rested on top of the cat’s body before he looked towards Steve and Natasha.

“Does this one have a name?” he asked, the question surprising Steve.

Natasha answered for him. “That’s Yasha. She’s from the most recent litter, so one of the youngest.”

Bucky nodded and repeated the name slowly. “It fits her...I think,” he sounded hesitant in the way he said it.

“Well she clearly likes you,” Natasha commented.

Yasha turned her body around and butted her nose against the palm of Bucky’s hand. She rubbed her head against him, wanting Bucky to continue petting her. His attention drawn back to her, Bucky moved his hand up and scratched her behind the ears. This elicited a purr in response and Natasha chuckled in amusement.

“She can be bossy sometimes,” she explained to both Steve and Bucky.

There was a clicking behind Steve as the door was opened again. He looked over his shoulder to see Phil had returned. Natasha turned towards him as he spoke.   

“It’s time to take some of our cats to the vet for their appointments,” Phil explained.

Natasha nodded in understanding and turned to Steve and Bucky. “I hate to cut this visit short, but I need to handle this,” she said apologetically. Then to Bucky she said, “Yasha also has an appointment, so I’m going to have to take her from you.”

Bucky’s brows furrowed with worry and he looked down at the cat. Yasha meowed at him, wrapping a tail around his wrist, looking perfectly content with staying on his lap. However, Bucky seemed to understand as he carefully took the cat by the scruff with his single hand. He carefully placed her on the ground before standing up. Yasha meowed in protest at having lost her entertainment. She curled herself around his leg, refusing to let him go anywhere.

Bucky gave Steve and Natasha a helpless look. Steve tried not to laugh and Natasha went to retrieve the cat from his leg. The cat hissed at Natasha but she was able to pick the cat up and hold her firmly so she couldn’t get away.

“Yasha, behave,” Natasha told the cat sternly.

Yasha wriggled stubbornly in Natasha’s hands and she rolled her eyes. She rotated the animal in her hands so she could look the cat straight in the eye. It must have been a look used before because it made Yasha calm down. Still, the cat looked away from Natasha, clearly still upset with her.

Bucky still looked a little worried and he asked, “Will Yasha be okay?”

“Of course,” said Natasha easily. “It’s just a check up.”

Bucky was visibly relieved and he reached out with his hand to pet the cat a last time. Yasha purred and butted her nose into the palm of his hand. Bucky gave her a scratch behind the ear before pulling his hand back again.

“Is it okay if I visit again?” he asked Natasha hopefully.

    “Definitely!” Natasha affirmed. “Just give us a call before you do. Today was an exception, but I like to have scheduled visits in the future.”

    “I’m sorry if we caused some trouble today,” said Steve guiltily, thinking of the dogs.

    Natasha smirked and said, “Well I’ll let you off with a warning just this once. I won’t be so nice next time.”

    Steve wasn’t sure if Natasha was joking or serious, as it was hard to tell with her sometimes. He hoped it was the former. “Thanks again, Nat,” he said with a smile. Then thinking of Yasha he added, “Could you text me later about how Yasha’s doing?”

    Natasha smiled knowingly and nodded her assent. “Will do. Now go so I can get these cats to the vet.”

Steve smiled gratefully and motioned for Bucky to follow him. Bucky looked at the room of cats again before leaving with Steve. It was a lot later in the afternoon at this point. Steve addressed Bucky again as they walked out of the building.

“Anything else you want to do, Buck?” he asked.

Bucky shook his head. “I’d like to go back home now,” he said.

Steve was relieved to hear the decisiveness in Bucky’s voice. “Fine by me,” he said happily.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kind of transitional but still important to the story. I hope you guys like it and expect another update tomorrow! Tomorrow's update will have more detail in it than this one, so don't worry!
> 
> Comments are life, kudos are always great, thanks to all my readers for still keeping up with me! <3

Bucky only had two memories of Steve that he could clearly remember. Everything else was in bits and pieces, like the rest of his life before he had been taken by Hydra. The first memory was of a broken nosed Steve Rogers. His right eye had been swollen into an ugly purple. Steve had gotten into a fight with some bigger boys and was trying to explain what happened while Bucky helped walk his friend home. He vaguely remembered a dog being involved but not much else. When he relayed the memory to Steve, his friend explained that it had occurred not long after they first met. 

The second memory involved him and Steve sitting at the docks in Brooklyn. While watching boats move in and out of the harbor, they had eaten salty ice cream while feeling the warm summer air on their skin. It was a peaceful memory and it was proof that Steve really had been his closest friend as a kid. That memory helped Bucky to trust Steve a little now. He didn’t feel the same companionship he had probably felt back then; and he couldn’t even remember what that felt like in the first place. 

While in Hydra, Bucky didn’t really have many friends, like how Steve was. There was a kid named Riley who had been two years younger than him. He had resembled Steve in some ways; so the two grew close. However, that friendship was cut short after a few months when Hydra deemed Riley too weak due to the boy’s asthma. Otherwise, Bucky mostly had allies, people who followed the cult’s beliefs and offered him a home and a life. 

Bucky had his teacher, a man named Pierce who taught him everything about being part of Hydra. There was nothing beyond their teacher-student relationship. There had been Brock Rumlow, who was taken into the cult around the same time Bucky was. Brock was a closer ally to him in terms of trust, but seemed to be more interested in being a part of Hydra than Bucky was. Everyone in the cult was told that their only true relationship could be with Cthulhu, Hydra’s patron deity. Members of the cult were only to be guides for each other as they each walked their own spiritual journey. 

Bucky had trusted those people, even if their actions were a little questionable. They were the only comfort he had while in the cult. Even then, there was still a cold loneliness that rested in Bucky’s heart. Now he had Steve and his sister to replace that loneliness. And their friendship also brought a new intimacy that Bucky didn’t have while in Hydra. He could actually  _ talk  _ to them. That scared him some as he still feared retribution for anything he said or did. He did have a worry that this was a trick, a plot to lure him into a false sense of security before they hurt him. His few memories of them were the only thing that kept those fears at bay. 

Bucky still had nightmares every night. He had dreams of murdering people who went against Hydra. He had dreams of being put through painful experiments by Hydra which tested his strength and stamina. He would sometimes wake up screaming or out of bed and not even in his own room. After three instances of waking up to find himself standing at Becca’s door, he was given pills that would help control his sleepwalking. 

He was grateful he only had one arm, because he felt that he could do a lot worse if he had two. Bucky had his arm forcibly removed by Hydra because it was meant to be a sacrifice to Cthulhu. Hydra believed that in order to be accepted by the god, a member needed to give up a physical part of themselves forever. No prosthetics or crutches were allowed. If a member couldn’t adjust to being without a part of themselves, they would be killed with the entire cult as a witness. 

At the end of Bucky’s second month at the center, his doctor suggested he get a prosthetic arm. Bucky had declined, the fear of being punished too strong to accept that kind of assistance. He made do with tools that the center provided for people missing an arm. He was wary of the tools at first, wondering if he was ‘cheating’ by using them. He still only used them with his single hand, so technically it was fine, right? Steve’s reassurances were the only thing that helped Bucky’s confidence in using them. 

Bucky might not be able to help with carrying groceries, but he was slowly becoming adept to cooking with only one arm. It was a new interest that Steve had been all too delighted to learn about. It was something that Bucky could focus on and it kept him from feeling too disconnected from everything else. It provided a sense of purpose which his therapy group fully supported. 

Bucky still experienced panic attacks. They were usually triggered by loud noises, small spaces, and anything that resembled a restraint. He had slowly gotten better with wearing a seatbelt, but he didn’t like wearing thick clothing that made him feel stifled and trapped. Even at the animal shelter, Bucky still steered clear of the dogs. The cats were so  _ relaxing _ to be around. He liked them a lot better than the dogs. The cats offered Bucky a form of comfort, and he would often spend one or two hours just sitting in the kitty playroom surrounded by the cats. 

Due to his claustrophobia, Bucky always drove in the car with all the windows rolled down. If it was raining, Bucky would stay inside unless he had to go to a group session or a doctor’s appointment. In those cases, Steve would walk him to the center while they both held umbrellas above their heads. It started to get risky for Steve as he still had a risk for catching pneumonia. Steve went out to town and bought Bucky some worry stones. Bucky would ride in the car with all the windows rolled up when it was raining, and he would focus only on the worry stones for the entire duration of the ride. It was a big improvement and Bucky started using those stones more regularly. Not just for car rides. 

In August came a change Bucky didn’t know how to deal with. Becca had to leave for college, which meant Bucky would have to find another place to stay. He still wasn’t allowed to live alone, as his doctors were wary about his mental state. Bucky was transported to the center’s small residential building. He would have to stay there until Becca returned from college. Bucky didn’t like this, but Becca assured him she would send letters to him weekly so they could stay in touch. That way Bucky could still have a form of support from his sister. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I'm sorry I hadn't realized I didn't put an Author's Note here. I do want to say that the next update will be next Tuesday, so sorry if you had gotten into the routine of daily updates. 
> 
> I want to put a note here saying that the next chapter will include triggers for self harm. I'm putting a warning here and I will put a warning on that chapter as well. I isolated the self harm scene so that people can skip over it without missing too much plot information. 
> 
> Again, Self Harm in the NEXT CHAPTER. Just a warning for those who might get triggered!

September 25th

Bucky and Steve were just leaving the animal shelter on a cool Friday afternoon. Bucky was quiet as he listened to the sound of leaves crunching underneath his feet. He liked this season the most. The chill set into his bones making him focused and feeling clear headed. Not to mention there was so much color in the trees. He hadn’t been able to admire the color much while he was with Hydra, but the autumn trees of northern Virginia were a marvel to look at.

He tried to think if there had been this many trees in Brooklyn, New York. However, when his old hometown came to mind, there weren’t any trees in sight. Bucky could only remember spending days at the docks eating ice cream with Steve. He remembered still eating ice cream even if it was chilly outside. Bucky glanced at Steve, wondering if he would be up for some ice cream now. He was starting to crave it.

“Can we go get ice cream?” Bucky asked Steve, surprising his friend.

Steve raised a brow, but then he grinned broadly. “Still want to eat ice cream even when it’s cold, huh Buck?”    

Bucky now knew he was referring to when they lived in Brooklyn. He was starting to remember it more clearly now. Bucky told himself that was a good thing, and made a mental note to share it with his group at their next session.

He nodded and Steve gave him a fond smile.

Steve and Bucky walked together (Steve not leading because Bucky knew his way around now) to an ice cream shop a few blocks away. Once the shop was in view, Bucky could see several families already there. There were many kids as well, and their laughter carried over to Bucky’s ears. When they were closer to the shop, a few parents caught sight of them and Bucky could feel many pairs of eyes on him. He felt self conscious of his lack of a left arm and moved a little closer to Steve.

Steve seemed to sense Bucky’s wariness as he asked, “Is this too crowded for you, Bucky?”

Bucky looked towards the crowd, contemplating them for a minute. Then his eyes were drawn over to the large cartoon ice cream sign that sat on the rooftop. The need for ice cream won over and he shook his head.

“I’m good,” he said sounding almost confident.

 Steve eyed him for a second but continued on into the shop with him. As they moved up to the counter and stood behind a family of three, Bucky looked around the shop. On the wall to their left was a board covered with drawings obviously made by kids. They all depicted various things, some being scenes and some being people or just one character.

Something clicked inside Bucky’s head as he remembered a well cared for sketchbook sitting in a younger Steve’s lap. In his mind he was watching Steve’s hand grip a pencil as he carefully worked on a new drawing. What the drawing was, he couldn’t quite remember. The rest of it was clear as day.

“Steve?” he spoke aloud, back in the present moment. He reached out for Steve’s arm, trying to grab his attention.

Steve had already looked up at the sound of his voice before Bucky took hold of his arm. “What is it, Buck?”

Bucky pointed at the artwork on the wall. “I _remember._ I remember you liked to draw when we were little,” he explained. Then he looked to Steve for confirmation. “Right?”

Steve’s eyes widened in surprise. “Yeah...that’s right Bucky,” he affirmed. “I still do. I’m an art therapist now too.”

Bucky nodded slowly, returning his gaze towards the board covered in children’s drawings. He studied them for a few moments. There were varying levels of skill apparent on the board. Some were extremely abstract while others had a lot of detail put into it. Bucky tried to remember how Steve’s drawings usually looked. He couldn’t.

“Could…” he stopped himself and swallowed. Bucky glanced back to Steve and asked, “Could I see your artwork? I can’t remember how...I want to remember.”

Steve smiled brightly, perking up in a very familiar way. “Yeah, of course!” he said. “Do you want to eat ice cream first though?”

Bucky had forgotten that they had come for ice cream in the first place. “Yeah, I do.”

Steve chuckled and gestured towards the menu for Bucky to make his choice. Bucky chose a moose track dish and Steve picked butterscotch. Once they both had their ice cream, they ate in a comfortable silence.

Bucky was most relaxed when he was with Steve. He wasn’t sure if it was because of their past friendship or because Steve was the first person to seem to genuinely care for him in years. Either way, he trusted Steve more and more every day. Bucky did feel comfortable around his sister, but she wasn’t in as many of his memories as Steve was. Both people offered a strong support system in his life regardless.

 After they ate, Steve and Bucky left the ice cream shop and headed back to Steve’s place. He had only been to Steve’s house a couple of times, usually because Steve needed to pick up something or forgot something. Bucky lingered in the foyer of Steve’s house and took a good look around. Steve was good at keeping his house clean. Everything was well kept and cared for. 

 Steve motioned for Bucky to follow him into the living room. “Go ahead and sit down, Bucky. I’m gonna go get some of my stuff for you,” he said gesturing to the couch.

Bucky nodded and took a seat on the l-shaped couch that sat in a corner of the room.

He expected Steve to return with a few sketchbooks in hand. Steve did, but he also had an old looking package in his hand. Steve wore a melancholic smile as he took a seat next to Bucky.

“So here are my sketchbooks and…” Steve handed the package to Bucky. “That’s something I meant to give to you back when we were kids.”

    With his single hand, Bucky turned the box around as he examined it more closely. The writing on it had faded but it looked like it was newspaper wrapping put together with glue. The box itself was thin, almost book shaped with a straw cord around it presumably so it looked nicer. Bucky wondered if  “back when we were kids” meant before he was taken by Hydra. That added a sadder note to the current atmosphere.

 Bucky stuck the package between his knees, holding it in place so he could remove the string and peel off the paper. He discarded the paper and string to the spot beside him and took a look at what had been wrapped. It looked like a comic with an American flag behind big letters that read “The Adventures of Captain America and Bucky Barnes.” He set the book down flat on his knees and traced a finger over the drawing of a man clad in red, white, and blue. Beside the figure was someone who looked similar to Bucky himself, only a lot younger and two armed.

Bucky felt tears start welling up in his eyes. He looked at Steve and realized his old friend was crying as well. Sadness was clearly reflected in Steve’s blue eyes, the color adding to the effect.

Steve swallowed hard so he could speak. “That...I had meant to give that to you on your birthday...the day you disappeared.” His voice was very tiny, making him sound like a small child.

Bucky wiped away his tears. He felt guilty for not having been there on that day. He felt guilty for bringing his friend so much pain. He felt guilty for not being able to return the same joy Steve had felt when they had been reunited. It felt so _wrong._ It felt wrong that this had to be. It wasn’t right at all.

“Steve…” He wanted to say he was sorry, but Bucky didn’t think that would make up for the years of heartache he had caused the man who had been his best friend. Still, “I’m sorry.”  
   

Steve shook his head immediately, wiping away his own tears. “No Buck, don’t be...it wasn’t your fault. It was _Hydra’s fault._ Not yours, but Hydra’s. I’m just…” He took a deep breath, exhaling. “I’m just glad I’m finally able to give it to you.”

Steve offered a smile that was still heavy with sadness. The best Bucky could do was offer a half smile in return. “Thank you,” he whispered.

Steve smiled a little more, the sadness fading somewhat. “Do you want to see my other drawings?” He gestured to the sketchbooks that he had placed onto the coffee table in front of them.

Bucky nodded and put down the comic. He picked up one of the other sketchbooks and opened it. Looking through the drawings, he was impressed with Steve’s level of skill. There were all sorts of things drawn in there. He recognized a couple drawings of Natasha and the cats at the animal shelter. He guessed that this sketchbooks held most of Steve’s work done in more recent years.

Setting that one down,  Bucky took another one from the pile and thumbed through it. These were definitely the older ones. He recognized himself in some of them, albeit a lot younger. There were several pictures of an older woman with kind eyes. Bucky felt like he should recognize her and pointed out one picture to Steve.

“That’s my mom,” Steve explained, sadness becoming apparent again in his voice. She loved you as much as she loved me, Buck.”

Bucky gave a wordless nod of understanding. He wanted to ask how she was but Bucky felt like it would only make Steve more upset. Bucky looked through a few more sketches, seeing scenes that clearly depicted Steve’s childhood. Many of them included Bucky himself.

This sketchbook held a lot of their memories. Bucky could tell how much care had been put into it. He stared at the current page, a drawing of a younger Bucky looking out a window in a classroom. A sense of nostalgia rose inside of Bucky and he traced the lines with a finger. He wondered if Steve would let him keep the sketchbook for a little while. He wanted to know what other memories were in its pages. However, he doubted Steve would let him keep it. Bucky wasn’t even sure if he deserved this chance to look back on old memories.

A thought suddenly occurred to him in a cruel little voice that said, _“He’s showing you what you left behind. You abandoned him.”_

_He was pulled back into a memory of a dark room where he sat in a cold metal chair. There was a man’s voice speaking to him in a musical tone. The man was thanking him for joining their group and explaining how he would be a valuable asset. At the time, Bucky had been told that he was strong and Hydra would make him stronger. Strong enough to protect those he cared about. To protect…_

“Steve…” Bucky looked up at him in horror as the cold reality of what he had done came over him. Bucky was a selfish man who did not have the right to be sitting in front of Steve Rogers, his former best friend whom he had left behind. _Abandoned._

Confusion clouded Steve’s expression. “Bucky, what’s wrong?” he asked gently.

Bucky drew back into himself. He set the book down and hugged himself, looking down at his knees. He didn’t want to look at Steve. He had no right. He hadn't meant to cause Steve so much heartache by being in the cult. Bucky suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder and his eyes jerked upwards towards Steve. The man had the most painfully kind expression on his face and Bucky couldn’t take it.

“Why…” Bucky swallowed a hard lump before asking, “Why are you so...I mean why are you being so nice? I don’t understand.”

“You’re my friend, Buck,” came the soft reply. “It’s what friends do.”

“I...I’m sorry,” Bucky said finally, not knowing what else to say. Then in a whisper he said, “I want to be alone for a bit”

“Okay,” said Steve. “I understand. Do you want to keep the sketchbook?”

Bucky looked at the sketchbook he had just put down. It held many of his memories, most likely. He wondered if this was a cruel joke Steve was pulling on him. He did want the sketchbook though. He gave a small nod, not saying anything else. To his surprise, Steve pushed the sketchbook closer to him. He looked at it cautiously, despite having just held it minutes earlier. Then he took it and looked back to Steve.

That stupid smile was still on Steve’s face as he said, “Keep it as long as you want. I don’t mind.”

Bucky didn’t sense any malicious intent coming from Steve. This was literally just how he was. Unfailingly kind and ridiculously nice. It was getting to be too much for him.

“Thank you,” said Bucky, his voice tight with emotion. Then he pushed himself off the couch and added, “I’ll give it back.”

Steve stood up after him, a look of concern crossing his face. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Bucky shook his head. “I’m fine,” he said, hoping Steve would understand. “I want to be alone.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize that it's such a short chapter, but I wanted to isolate this scene. 
> 
> Trigger Warning for Self-Harm, and blood and gore. If the arm in the first chapter grossed you out, then skip this one. 
> 
> Next update will be Thursday! Thanks for reading :D

September 25th, 2016

Northern Virginia

Alpine Residential Building. 

He was becoming overwhelmed and needed to be by himself for a little while. Steve walked with Bucky to his car and drove him to the residential building at the center. Bucky was quiet for most of the ride. He gave Steve a brief thank you and explained that he really just needed some time. Bucky left the car, not seeing the pain in his friend’s eyes. He walked into the residential building, taking the elevator up to the floor where his room was. He practically shoved his way through his room door before shutting it behind him. Bucky leaned back against the door and allowed himself to slide down to a seat. He sat with his knees brought up to his chest and the sketchbook was still in his hands. 

_ Finally, alone, _ Bucky thought to himself.  _ Like I should be... _

Bucky thumbed through the pages again with a shaky hand. He found the page where he had stopped at and continued looking through the sketchbook from there. As he continued, he could see that Steve’s drawings got darker and sadder. One drawing depicted Steve in a dark corner with his face in his hands. The picture looked so  _ lonely. _ Bucky had gone with the cult because they promised they would make the world a better place. Bucky had wanted a better world for Stevie to live in so he was willing to be in the cult at first. Instead of making it better, Bucky had clearly only made it worse.

Bucky was still confused at how someone could be so kind to him even after that. No one had been that kind to him in years. The reality of what Bucky had done coupled with Steve’s behavior that day didn’t make much sense. Before, Bucky had thought Steve was just trying to help him get back on his feet and live normally again. He thought they were starting a new friendship regardless of the past. Then Steve had gone and given Bucky a present that he was supposed to get back when they were younger. Steve seemed to have forgiven him even though he didn’t directly say it. Bucky couldn’t make sense of it. He hadn’t done anything to earn that forgiveness at all. 

He thought of Hydra and their view on forgiveness. There was no forgiveness in that cult. Forgiveness had been nonexistent. There was only harsh punishment or death. Bucky knew he needed to be punished for leaving Steve. Only then could he properly repent for what he had done. Steve clearly wasn’t going to deliver that punishment, so it was up to Bucky. 

Bucky left the sketchbook on the floor and stood up. He turned and left his bedroom. The harshest punishment he could think of was self inflicted pain upon himself. Seeing no one was in sight, he moved quickly down the hallway. Bucky was already skilled with sneaking around as he had done much of it while with Hydra. Bucky took the stairs, fearing that the elevator would attract too much attention. He successfully made it to the small kitchen on the ground floor. No one was around, so he was safe for the moment. Bucky knew he still needed to be cautious.  He found the knife holder and grabbed the sharpest one. He knew he couldn’t exactly cut his arm up when he had to use said arm for the cutting. So he went with his leg. 

Bucky sat at the table and yanked up one of his pants legs. On his calf he already had several scars from previous punishments received while in the cult. Now there would be a new one to add. He rested his left ankle on his right knee so it would be easier to get to.  Bucky gripped the knife and sliced into his leg, grunting in pain as the blade sank into his flesh. He started shaking as he watched blood spill out of the cut and drip down his leg. Whimpering, he pushed the knife downwards so the gash grew longer on his calf. 

The blood continued to flow and he twisted the knife in its spot. Bucky howled in pain as his leg jerked away from him. Bucky lost the grip on his knife, falling off the chair and onto his side. Hot tears came to his eyes and he shut them tight, hoping Hydra’s God would accept this as his penance. 

A scream suddenly filled his ears and his eyes opened. There were footsteps and someone was calling for help. Bucky was losing consciousness at this point. He felt himself being moved before his mind went blank. 


	7. Chapter 7

September 26th, 2016

Northern Virginia

Burnside Hospital

Voices surrounded him. Hearing returned to him completely and he realized it was two voices. Bucky slowly opened his eyes. He could see two forms in his blurry vision. He blinked a few times until his vision came back into focus. There was a doctor speaking with a nurse near Bucky. He heard a groan and realized it was coming from himself. Bucky’s leg felt stiff and he could feel what must have been a tight bandage wrapped around it. Then he remembered what had happened before he had fallen unconscious.

Bucky grimaced as he realized the doctor’s attention was now on him. He expected the man to be angry. Was he here to judge Bucky’s choice of punishment? Instead, the man’s eyes were kind and he regarded Bucky with a look of concern. The nurse who was with them eyed Bucky curiously as the doctor came around closer to the side of the bed. He wondered if the doctor was like Steve, kind and forgiving of anything he did.

“Hello, Mr. Barnes. How are you feeling?”

Bucky assessed his current state of being. His leg felt numb most likely due to a number of painkillers. He felt somewhat sleepy and wondered if he had been put on a lot of medicine. He was currently covered in a blanket which provided a bit of warmth that he was grateful for. There was an I.V. needle stuck into his arm and a machine that monitored his heartbeat and blood pressure.

“Tired and numb,” Bucky replied honestly. If these people really were here to help him, then it would be best for him to tell the truth. “What...how did I get here?”

The doctor nodded and spoke, “From what the Alpine staff has told us, you were found in the residential building’s kitchen with a large gash in your leg. You cut yourself up pretty badly. We were able to close the wound up however. Your sister shares the same blood type as you so we’re going to give you some of her blood.”

“Oh…” Bucky guessed Becca had already heard the news. She was probably already on her way to the hospital now. Bucky felt guilty for causing his sister so much worry.

“My name is Dr. Bruce Banner,” the man introduced himself. “This is Nurse Maria Hill. You’re very lucky you didn’t cut any major arteries. You’ll still have full use of your leg.”

Bucky nodded mutely. Banner held up the clipboard in his hand, taking a look over the papers attached. He made a “hmm” sound and handed the clipboard to Nurse Hill.

Banner looked back at Bucky and said, “I’ve contacted the therapist who runs your group therapy at Alpine. He thinks you should be put into a different therapy group, a self-harm support group. You will be attending that group and continue attending your current group as well. It’ll be a trial period at first, so we can see how you do.”

Bucky thought about the idea of attending two support groups. He guessed it wouldn’t hurt. Steve might be overjoyed to hear that Bucky was trying to get more help. Bucky did like it when he made Steve happy.

Bucky nodded in response to Banner’s question. “Yeah, that’s fine,” he said.

The doctor beamed at him and said, “Excellent. I have a few other patients to attend to. Now that I know you are feeling a little better, I will go attend to them. Nurse Hill will be here to attend to anything you need.”    

Bucky gave a nod of understanding and asked, “When will I be able to leave?”

He hoped he wouldn’t have to stay at the hospital too long. Hospitals bothered him. They reminded him of the rooms he was experimented in while with Hydra. While it wasn’t severe, it gave him a feeling of unease.

“Hopefully tomorrow or the day after,” Banner answered.

Bucky sighed, knowing he didn’t have much choice but to accept that. He started to feel sleepier and his eyelids were drooping. He felt consciousness fading away from him as the drugs he was on pulled him into a deep sleep.

~

Bucky didn’t trust the needle Banner was holding. Banner had good intentions as far as Bucky could tell, but he did not trust that needle. It looked threatening, much like a needle he had often seen in the cult. To make things worse, Banner was being extremely patient. Bucky thought it was fucking annoying how calm Banner was being while holding a needle that was supposed to give him his sister’s blood.

Banner called for Nurse Hill to bring his sister in. Becca came into the room and Bucky saw that her eyes were red and puffy. She had been crying. His heart sank at how much pain he had caused Becca. His sister got a chair and pulled it over so she could sit by Bucky’s bed, on the side opposite of Banner.

“Bucky, you need to take some of my blood. I’m the best match you have considering we’re related by blood,” Becca explained gently.

Bucky swallowed and looked from Becca to the needle, then back to Becca. “It’s the needle...I don’t like it.”

Becca studied him for a moment, then stood up. She walked around to Banner’s side and pulled the doctor over to whisper something. Banner nodded in understanding, accepting whatever Becca had told him. Becca walked back to her seat and Bucky eyed his sister suspiciously.

“I’m gonna tell you a story Bucky, but you have to pay attention. No looking at Dr. Banner, no moving your arms, nothing. Just concentrate on me, okay?”

Bucky bit his lip, unsure of this. He didn’t know where Becca was going with her idea. He did trust her though. She had come all this way to the hospital after all.

“Okay,” he said before taking a deep breath.

Becca grinned and started talking. She told him the story when their mom taught them how to make homemade milkshakes.  As she spoke, he felt Banner taking his arm and start working on getting the blood into his system. Becca spoke more pointedly, Bucky tried his best to focus on her. When making milkshakes, Bucky had wanted to put peanut butter in his. His mother had warned him not to, and he quickly found out why. The peanut butter ended up breaking the milkshake machine but as a result, they were able to eat the mess with spoons. Right out of the blender. He felt a sting on his arm at the same time Becca let out a giggle as she recalled the memory.

“And done,” said Banner when Becca finished the story.

Bucky looked at his arm and his eyes widened. Becca had completely distracted him while Banner did the blood transfusion. He was able to relax at last knowing that the procedure was done with.

“Thank you, Becca,” he said genuinely.

Becca squeezed his shoulder gently, eyes brimming with emotion. “Of course, Bucky.”

Banner smiled at the two of them and said, “That was a good idea Becca. I appreciate your help. Now I think Mr. Barnes will want some rest.” He gave Bucky a questioning look.

“Yeah,” said Bucky. He liked Dr. Banner. He felt like he could trust this man. Banner had done nothing to harm him so there was no reason to distrust him.

Becca nodded and got up from her seat. “I’m glad I could help. I’ll see you later Bucky,” she said leaning over to kiss her brother on the cheek. Then she waved and hopped out the door.

Banner filled out a few things on a clipboard that had been sitting on a nearby table. Then he turned to Bucky who was still watching him curiously. He assured Bucky that he would be out of the hospital by the next day. Bucky just needed one last night’s rest at the hospital before he could be released. Bucky accepted this as he reasoned it was only one more night he’d be spending at the hospital.


	8. Chapter 8

September 27th, 2016

 

Bucky was released the day after he woke up as promised. Steve was there to pick him up from the hospital. Bucky saw his friend sitting in a chair after he walked through the door. Steve saw him come in and immediately got up from his seat.  Bucky moved with a bit of a limp and when he walked into the lobby, and Steve bounded over to give him a hand. Then Steve pulled Bucky into a tight hug to his surprise.  

“Steve?” Bucky’s brows furrowed in confusion. The hug was nice, and he felt  _ safe. _ But he had hurt Steve emotionally. Why would Steve be hugging Bucky now?

Steve pulled away but kept a hand on Bucky’s shoulder. “Sorry pal, I was just really worried about you. When Becca called, I got really scared.” 

Steve had been scared. Because of Bucky. That only made Bucky’s shoulders sag in misery.

“I’m sorry,” Bucky mumbled,  _ for everything  _ he added silently. He took in a sharp breath and said, “Steve. I still don’t know why you bother putting yourself out for me.” 

Steve gave him a long look, then shook his head. “Buck, you told me this once when we were kids, and now I’m gonna say it to you. I’m with you to the end of the line, pal.” 

Bucky had said that? He blinked, momentarily surprised. Then he shook his head. “But Steve, I wasn’t. I left you.” 

“It wasn’t your fault, Buck. Please don’t kick yourself so much over that. We’re together now, right?” 

He supposed that much was true. “Yeah, right.” 

Steve offered a small smile and said, “I heard you were going to join another support group? I think that’s really great.” 

“I’m only doing it for you, punk,” said Bucky. “Can we go now? I’m starving.” 

Steve laughed and nodded. “Sure thing. Just don’t scare me like that again, jerk.” 

Bucky felt a smile tug at his lips, a flicker of something sparking in his chest. He hadn’t something like that in a while. It felt  _ nice. _ Was this happiness? Steve grinned at him and the two of them left the hospital, Bucky feeling much better than he had minutes ago.

~

Steve had been so overwhelmingly worried about Bucky. He wished he should have insisted on going with Bucky back to the center. He had heard the news from the staff; one of them had gone into the kitchen after hearing noises. Bucky had been found on the floor bleeding pretty badly.  Steve had an asthma attack when he started to panic, the thought of losing Bucky too much for him to bear. He had been able to get to his inhaler in time, but the news had kept him awake that night. Now Steve was relieved to see Bucky back on his feet. Not only that, but his old friend seemed a bit more like his old self. That meant a great deal to Steve.

Steve walked Bucky to his car and tried to help him get in. Bucky protested, saying he was just fine. Steve finally relented and went around to get into the driver’s seat. He started up the car and pulled out of the hospital’s parking lot. Bucky propped up his leg on the dashboard, as he needed to keep it straight for the next few days. Steve wasn’t certain on what had brought on Bucky’s actions, but he feared it might have had something to do with Steve’s sketchbook. Steve wanted to ask, but first they needed to figure out where they were going to eat.

“Anywhere you want to go, Bucky?” Steve asked as they stopped at a red light. 

“Could we go to the Alpine Center?” Bucky asked in return, to Steve’s surprise. “We can eat at the cafeteria and then I want to go see when I can meet for that second therapy group.” 

Bucky sounded so sincere it made Steve’s chest swell with pride. Bucky was really  _ trying  _ to get better. A ball of emotion rose to his throat and Steve was grateful that the light turned green just then. It redirected his focus though the feeling still lingered. Steve had been going in the opposite direction, so he had to go into another random parking lot so he could exit and go the other way. Glancing at Bucky, Steve saw his attention was out the window. His jaw was set in a way that made Bucky look deep in thought.

“Bucky?” he spoke, trying to get his friend’s attention. 

Bucky looked at him curiously, one eyebrow raised. “What?”   


"I just want to ask, and you don’t have to answer if you don’t want,” Steve started carefully. “Was it my fault?” 

Bucky’s eyes widened, looking genuinely surprised that Steve would think that. He shook his head vigorously and said, “No, it wasn’t…” He took a deep breath, exhaling heavily. “I was punishing myself. I felt that I deserved punishment for leaving you. That’s what Hydra would have done, after all.” 

Steve was stunned. What kind of sick concepts had Hydra implemented into Bucky to make him do such things?  He felt a bitterness in his mouth, a bitterness that tasted strongly of Hydra. Steve tried to stay in control of himself. He was driving and didn’t need anger to make him be reckless. But the fact that Hydra made Bucky think he needed to be punished made him so furious. He was practically squeezing the steering wheel right now, and he realized he was starting to go way above the speed limit.

Steve quickly slowed down, moving back into an acceptable speed. “Bucky, listen to me,” he spoke firmly. “Do not ever think you need to continue following Hydra’s mentality. Please? You do not have to punish yourself for anything. I don’t want to see you hurt like that again, so please stop listening to Hydra.” 

Steve knew this wouldn’t be an easy thing for Bucky. He hoped Bucky would understand his meaning at least. He glanced sideways at his friend who was still looking at him. Bucky seemed to mull over this. Eventually Bucky gave a slow nod.

“I’ll try,” Bucky said finally. “I’m sorry Steve. I want to get better, I do.” 

Steve smiled fondly at him, feeling relief spread through himself. “I’m glad,” he said softly. 

They reached the Alpine Center 10 minutes later. Bucky got out of the car, making sure to keep most of his weight on his good leg. Steve came around to the passenger side to help him. Bucky reluctantly took the extended hand and let himself be pulled out of the car onto his feet. Steve locked the car and walked with Bucky to the cafeteria. He kept a slow pace just so Bucky could keep up.    


They both got sandwiches and Bucky inquired about how being in two therapy groups would work. Steve explained that, like with Bucky’s current therapy group, he would go in for a trial period to see how things worked out. If the sessions went well, then Bucky would be assigned to a different day and time so it didn’t overlap with his current group sessions. Bucky thought that made sense and Steve went with him to the registry office once they were done eating. 

After filling out the form, Bucky had a group session scheduled that afternoon since he was just out of the hospital. Steve parted ways with Bucky since he had his own classes to run. During class, Sam sent Steve a text asking him to hang out after work. During a five minute break in the session, Steve sent a text back saying he was up for meeting with Sam. 

Steve called Becca after work to check on Bucky. After Bucky’s meeting, he was to go get a psych evaluation. Bucky was going to be spending a few nights at the center’s clinic so the doctors could keep an eye on him. Then Steve headed into town to a diner that he and Sam often frequented. Sam was already there and waved Steve over when he walked into the diner. Steve grinned, happy to see Sam after the chaos of the past three days. He slid into the booth Sam was at, getting a drink from the waitress who had followed him over.

“How are you doing, man?” Sam asked once the waitress had left. 

“Better,” Steve answered honestly, leaning back in his seat. “I think I’ll finally be able to sleep tonight.” 

Sam nodded his approval. Steve had already told him about why Bucky was in the hospital. Sam was very supportive and Steve knew he was lucky to have such a good friend. 

“How’s your boy?” Sam asked next.

Steve wasn’t sure why he felt warm at hearing Sam call Bucky ‘his boy.’ Bucky was not ‘his boy.’ He decided to ignore that and responded instead, “Bucky’s okay, thankfully, he’s getting much better.” Steve smiled a little as he thought of Bucky. “He said it himself, Sam. He really wants to get better.” 

Sam smiled knowingly at Steve. “I’m glad to hear that, Steve. Just keep being there for him, okay?” 

Steve nodded, knowing what Sam meant. Sam Wilson was a therapist at the VA in town. He worked indirectly with the Alpine center, since war vets who found themselves there got referred to the VA. Sam was a veteran himself, and even though he didn’t work with people who had been in cults, he understood well the pain of loss. 

“I know Sam, I just…” Steve bit his lip, thinking about the day he had shown Bucky his artwork. “What if something like this happens again? I don’t want to lose him again, Sam.” 

“Don’t worry so much about that, Steve,” Sam assured him. “If your boy understands that he needs help, then he’s already taken a large step there. You said the doctor had suggested he attend another therapy group, right?” Steve nodded his confirmation before Sam continued, “It could help him a lot. He might even make more friends. That’s what Bucky needs right now, Steve, friends.” 

Steve understood. He may be Bucky’s friend, but he wanted Bucky to take the initiative to make more friends. Bucky’s recovery was coming along better than he thought. Steve only hoped that soon Bucky could reach a stage where he was comfortable with new faces to be around. 

“Thanks Sam, really,” Steve said, wanting Sam to know how much he appreciated his support. 

Sam smiled and leaned back in his seat. “Always happy to help, man.” 

The waitress returned to take their orders. While they waited for their meals, the subject moved onto how Sam’s job at the VA was going. Then they talked about their favorite sport, baseball. There was a game coming up and the two talked about their expectations for how it would play out. The more they talked, the more relaxed Steve became. Well, as relaxed as one could get while discussing baseball. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! This chapter was a bit difficult to write as I wanted to get Tony's characterization right. He's not the easiest character to write for me. 
> 
> This story is coming to a close. There will be at least two more updates next week, if not 3. But it'll be finished by next Saturday at the latest. 
> 
> Thanks again for reading and please comment if you want :D

September 28th, 2016

Alpine Psychiatric Center

 

Bucky checked his watch once he was in the office building. It read 10:25am. He was five minutes early for the group meeting he had gotten scheduled for today. Bucky bit his lip, chewing on it lightly. His hand trembled slightly from anticipation. This would be a new set of people and Bucky worried that they wouldn’t like him. The other part was, since he was early, was he allowed to go in right away or did he have to wait until 10:30? Would he be in trouble for standing outside the door. He probably looked suspicious, staring at the door and not making any moves.

Bucky was startled when a voice spoke behind him, “You going in or not?”

Bucky whirled around, eyes wide. He did not like surprises. The guy seemed to realize this and looked apologetic.

“Sorry buddy, didn’t realize you were the skittish type,” the man apologized. 

“I’m not skittish!” Bucky barked defensively. Then a fearful thought crossed his mind that he might be in trouble for talking back to someone. He clamped his mouth shut and cast his gaze towards the floor. “Sorry,” he said in a whisper. 

The man chuckled in bemusement. “Don’t worry about it,” he said. “Now I’m gonna ask you again, are you going in there or not? I need to since there’s a group session happening in a minute.” 

Bucky raised his head back up and nodded. “Yeah, sorry,” He bit his lip again, even though it was already sore from earlier. Bucky needed to stop apologizing. “Just nerves, that’s all,” he said quickly.   

The man nodded and said, “I get it, believe me. My roommate threatened to kick my ass if I didn’t come to this meeting today. I really don’t want to, but I know I have to.” 

Bucky was somewhat relieved that someone else was feeling nervous like he was. The man extended a hand to him and Bucky took it, giving it a shake. 

" I’m Bucky,” he introduced himself. Something told him this was a chance to make a new friend. 

The other man gave him an odd look. Then he shook his head and introduced himself, “I’m Tony Stark. You may have heard of me.”

Bucky frowned, as he had definitely not heard of Tony Stark. “No, should I?” Bucky asked, worry starting to eat at the back of his mind. 

Tony seemed genuinely surprised at this. Thankfully he smiled at Bucky and said, “Nah. I should be aware that not everyone knows my name. Anyway, shall we go inside?” 

“Yeah,” said Bucky before turning around. Bucky’s worries were forgotten and his hand had stopped shaking to his relief. 

He opened the door and walked inside, Tony following behind him. A couple of people were already in there. One guy was holding a clipboard and was reading the papers attached to it. There was a woman sitting in one of the chairs provided, waiting quietly and trying not to look at anyone else. The guy with the clipboard looked up when Tony and Bucky walked in and gave them a smile. 

“Welcome! Go ahead and take a seat, if you want. There’s a few more people coming in so we’re going to wait a minute before we begin,” the man explained. “My name is Abraham Erskine, it’s a pleasure to meet you two.” 

Tony went ahead and took a seat. Bucky hesitated for a moment, a little cautious of the two strangers in the room. Then finally he took a seat besides Tony and took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. The woman was glancing at him curiously, only making him feel more self conscious. Bucky told himself not to jump when more people entered the room. The seats around him filled up and and Erskine cleared his throat once the last person was seated. 

Erskine introduced himself again and explained how the group would work to all of the newcomers. First they would start with introductions and try to get to know each other. They would do a few exercises and conclude with goals each member wanted to accomplish before the next meeting. Bucky was relieved that this was somewhat similar to how his usual group sessions went. At least he would already have some experience with this. 

They went around doing introductions. Most of the other people were new but there were a couple of regulars. The woman was one of the regulars, introducing herself as Wanda Maximoff. Bucky felt a little bit better about being in the group, since it didn’t seem like he would stand out much. Soon it was Tony’s turn to speak and Bucky listened intently to the man beside him.

“Hey, my name is Tony Stark,” he began with a small wave. “I’m 34 years old, and this is my second time attending this group. You may have heard the name Stark before, and yes you are right, I am the son of the former CEO of Stark Industries. No, I will not sign any autographs.” 

Erskine gave Tony a gentle smile, “No one expects you to, Tony. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Then he turned his attention to Bucky and said, “And now, you’re the last one up. Take your time.” 

Bucky took a deep breath, trying not to look as anxious as he actually felt. He wondered if he needed to stand up, but reminded himself that no one else had done so. They were all sitting in a circle too. Everyone could see him well enough. Bucky spoke before too much silence could pass. 

“My name is Bu-Er, James Barnes. But I prefer to go by Bucky,” he decided to say his real name first so he didn’t seem as strange. “I’m 25, and this is my first time in this group. I, ah…” he paused, coming up short and unsure what else to say. Everyone else had said a little tidbit about themselves. He struggled to think of something until Erskine came to his rescue. 

“That is a wonderful introduction, Bucky,” Erskine said kindly. “It’s alright if you can’t think of anything else to share. You did well.”

“Thanks,”  Bucky said, glad he didn’t have to continue.

Erskine then asked if anyone wanted to share their experiences. Bucky wasn’t ready for that, so he didn’t speak up. A few others were able to share, including Wanda. She held up her arms which were bandaged all the way down to the elbow. Wanda had come from an orphanage where she had suffered a lot of bullying from other kids. Her parents had been from another country when they left Wanda at the orphanage, and America was much different from her home country. There were many things she hadn’t understood and she got bullied as a result. Wanda turned to self harm because she felt that she needed to punish herself. 

Bucky felt empathy for her. Even though the circumstances were different, Wanda had the same reasons that he did. Bucky felt better about his own situation but he still didn’t share when asked. The group eventually concluded with an agreement to meet the following Tuesday. The other members started leaving and Bucky got up from his own seat. 

Bucky considered saying something to Tony but he was approaching Erskine, probably wanting to talk to the older man about something. Bucky looked around and saw that Wanda had already left the room. He sighed in disappointment and headed towards the door to leave. He stepped out into the hall, feeling ashamed of himself for not trying to talk to anyone else. 

Unsure of what to do, Bucky pulled out the phone Steve had gotten for him. When he switched it on, he saw a text message from Steve wishing him luck. It had been sent right when the meeting had started. Bucky definitely had luck making it through the meeting, but not much when it came to talking to people. Steve would probably be disappointed in him. 

Bucky heard the door opening behind him and realized he was directly in the way. He moved to the side as Tony walked past him. He expected Tony to keep going, but instead Tony turned to face Bucky, drawing his attention. 

“So you seriously didn’t know who I was?” Tony asked. “Most people realize they’ve heard of me when I mention who my dad is.” 

Bucky frowned at him and said, “I guess I’m not most people then.” 

Tony stared at him for a moment before laughing. Bucky frowned deeper, not finding the situation as amusing as Tony did. Tony seemed to pick up on this as his laughter became weak and died down. 

“Sorry, it’s just that rarely ever happens,” Tony explained. “Where have you been living if you don’t even know who I am, then?” 

“Well, I was in a cult for twelve years,” Bucky replied flatly. He didn’t see the point in lying, especially if he was going to share this with the rest of the group later on. 

Tony’s brows rose to the top of his forehead. “So you know nothing of the modern world?” he asked. 

Bucky shrugged and said, “I guess not.” 

Tony whistled low and shook his head. “That’s rough, buddy,” he said. “I feel obligated to catch you up with current events now. If you want to eat lunch with me, I can give you a breakdown of what’s going on in the world. Fair warning though, it’s quite a bit.” 

Bucky thought that would be a good idea. He really should get an understanding of the world, as he didn’t know much beyond Hydra’s area of knowledge. It would also be a chance to get to know Tony a little more. The guy seemed a little full of himself, but Bucky liked that Tony was actually willing to talk to him. It hadn’t required much prompting on Bucky’s part. 

“We can do that,” said Bucky. “I was just going to get some lunch anyway.” 

Tony grinned at him, pleased with his response. Bucky went with his new friend to the cafeteria and sat down to talk over sandwiches and sodas. Tony gave him a quick run down of current events which included a lot of politics. There were also apparently many advances in science happening these days, and Bucky found himself wanting to know more about those parts. He soon realized that Tony was  _ very _ into science and was amused when he went into a long speech about clean energy and resources. 

Eventually Bucky had to go since he had a physical later that afternoon. Tony promised to hang out with him again after the next meeting and Bucky found himself looking forward to it for the rest of the week.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! This chapter was also hard to write coz I had difficulty coming up with how this social situation would go (I'm socially awkward so it was a little more difficult for me) 
> 
> This story will most likely be wrapped up in the next chapter. Thank you guys for reading and please comment if you can :D

November 15th, 2016

Paws and Claws Animal Shelter

 

Bucky held a small metallic mouse in his hands. At the end was a light which projected a small red dot onto the floor. Yasha was hunting the red dot as Bucky slowly moved it around the room. Steve stood to the side, watching him play with the kitten. Bucky had an amused smile on his face. Whenever Yasha got close enough to the red dot, Bucky would move it a little further away. This seemed to vex the cat so much that her entire focus was dedicated to the red dot. 

Bucky started moving the light along a little faster. Yasha darted after it and Bucky continued luring her all around the room until she was running. He led Yasha through a few laps around the chair where he was seated before finally directing the light at his feet. Yasha yowled as she pounced on the dot. Her tail flicked in the air victoriously. Bucky chuckled under his breath and lifted his thumb off the laser’s button. Yasha mewled in confusion and looked up at Bucky as if demanding an explanation. 

“Thumb’s getting sore from holding it down so long, girl,” Bucky said to the cat. “How about a break?” 

Yasha was clearly displeased with this decision. She walked over to Steve, circling the other man’s legs in hopes of getting him to play with her. Steve smirked at the cat and reached down to scratch her behind the ears. Yasha fell back on her hind legs and put both paws on Steve’s hand. She tried to nibble at his knuckles and Steve winced before pulling his hand out of reach.

“No biting, Yasha,” Bucky said firmly, using the tone Natasha had told him to use. He rose from his seat and walked over to the kitten. “Be nice.” 

“You’ve gotten really good with her,” Steve said, observing the two of them. 

Bucky hummed in agreement and scooped Yasha up, letting her drape her body over his arm. “I like her. She’s cute.”

“She’s a playful little thing,” said Steve. “Seems to like you as well, maybe more than the rest of the cats.” 

There was a knock on the door and Bucky heard Natasha’s voice call from the other side, “I’m coming in!” 

Bucky wasn’t as jumpy as he used to be, but Natasha still took care to not make sudden appearances around him. He was probably the only one Natasha didn’t try to sneak up on. Natasha walked over to the two of them and Yasha started wiggling excitedly in Bucky’s grip. 

Bucky sighed and extended his arm so Natasha could take Yasha from him. “Nat still takes place as your favorite though, right Yasha?” 

Yasha purred and rubbed her head into Natasha’s shoulder. “Are we talking favorites now?” she asked them. 

“Yeah, Yasha does really well with Bucky,” Steve explained. 

Natasha smirked at them and stroked the top of Yasha’s head. “I spoil her the most, that’s why,” she explained. “I guess you’re having fun in here. I came in because I got a text from Sam.” She looked at Steve pointedly. 

Bucky knew Sam was Steve’s friend, but hadn’t met him yet. He watched Steve take out his phone and turn it back on. Steve looked at his phone for a minute, checking his texts before looking back up at Bucky.

“Sam’s invited us to dinner at his house,” Steve explained. “He wanted to know if you would be interested in coming too.” 

That caught Bucky’s interest. He knew Sam was a good person from how Steve spoke of him. The two of them and Natasha were friends, and Bucky did like Natasha too. He decided it would be good to take this chance to meet Sam. Steve had mentioned that it would be at his house, but Bucky reasoned that both Steve and Natasha would be there with him. So the situation wouldn’t be completely strange. 

“I don’t mind,” said Bucky. 

Steve’s face lit up and he asked, “Are you sure?” Bucky nodded emphatically and Steve grinned. “Alright, I’ll let him know you’re coming too.” 

Bucky felt his lips stretch into a small smile, Steve’s delight giving him a warm feeling inside his chest. He wasn’t sure if this was happiness or something else, but it definitely felt good. He noticed Natasha looking at him with a hint of a smirk on her face. But when they made eye contact, Natasha quickly turned her gaze towards Steve. Bucky didn’t know what that meant and decided to think about it later. 

Steve spoke again, “He said come over around 6. That good with you, Nat?”

“Sounds like a plan,” said Natasha. “We have more than a few hours til then. Would you two boys mind helping me out here for a bit? Coulson’s leaving early since his daughter has a doctor’s appointment. So it’ll be just me until closing.”

“Not at all,” said Steve. “Bucky?” 

“I can as long as it doesn’t require two arms,” said Bucky half jokingly. 

Natasha cracked a smile at that and nodded. “Don’t worry, Bucky,” she assured him. “Steve, I’ll have you go exercise the dogs. Bucky, since you know the cats so well, I’ll have you look through their files and see if any updates are needed. I’ll help you with the files on the dogs when you’re done with the cats.” 

Bucky thought that sounded doable enough. Natasha led him to the office and let him take a seat behind her desk. Natasha gave him a run through on how to open the files and go through each one. Bucky had practice typing with one hand so it wouldn’t be too difficult for him. Natasha watched him go through one file and then left him alone to work on the rest. 

There were 28 cats at the shelter total. It took Bucky roughly an hour and a half to go through them all. He took periodic breaks as typing with one hand could be tiring. He used some finger exercises his occupational therapist had taught him to loosen up his hand muscles during these breaks. Natasha came in to check on him not too long after he had updated the last file. Then the two of them worked together to go through the files on the shelter dogs. Natasha did most of the work while Bucky kept track of what they had done and not done. 

It was about five when Bucky and Natasha were done with the files. They left the office and went to look for Steve. Natasha wrinkled her nose in disgust when Steve came in from the canine compound smelling a little dirty. Bucky thought Steve smelled strongly of dog poop and wondered what the other man had gotten up to. 

“Alright, you’re done for the day, Steve,” said Natasha firmly. “You need to go home and get a shower. You stink.” 

Steve grinned sheepishly and said, “I know I do. I’ll go clean up.” Then he directed his attention to Bucky. “Need a ride?” he inquired. 

Natasha spoke first, “Bucky can stay and help me finish up. We can meet you at Sam’s.” She looked to Bucky for his approval. 

Bucky gave them both a nod and Steve gave a smile in return. “See you soon then.” 

~

Steve drove his car into Sam’s driveway and was surprised to see Natasha and Bucky had already arrived. He hoped Bucky wasn’t too nervous about being there without Steve. He went up to the front door and headed inside, since he knew they would all be expecting him. Walking into the living room, he was relieved to see Bucky sitting comfortably on the sofa with Natasha next to him. Sam was seated in a separate chair, and looked up with the others as Steve walked into the room. 

“Hey Steve! Good timing,” said Sam with a grin. “Food just got done cooking.” 

Steve smiled apologetically and said, “I hope I didn’t keep anyone waiting. Looks like you already met Bucky.” He smiled fondly at the man in question. 

Bucky nodded in acknowledgement. “Sam was telling me that the reason why you always come over here to eat is because you can’t cook without burning something,” he said, smirking. “Now I know why we’ve never eaten at your house.” 

Steve’s cheeks flushed in embarrassment. Well at least Bucky was enjoying himself. “Take out is just easier, alright?” Steve said defensively. 

Sam laughed and shook his head. “I’m gonna go get dinner on the table. Unlike Steve, I know when to stop cooking before I burn my food.” Steve glared at the back of Sam’s head as he retreated into the kitchen. 

Natasha giggled and got up from her seat. “I’ll go help him out,” she said, excusing herself. 

Bucky got up from his seat, moving over to Steve. He sniffed in his direction and said, “You smell better.”

Steve sighed in exasperation. He was starting to regret letting Bucky meet any of his friends. They were starting to rub off on him. 

“Thanks,” he said flatly. “I see you’ve made yourself at home.” 

Bucky’s lips tugged down into a slight frown. He seemed uncomfortable and Steve quickly added, “That’s a good thing though. It’s progress, Buck.” 

Bucky seemed to relax at that, and even smiled a little. “Let’s go eat,” he said finally. “You kept us waiting long enough, pal.” 

Steve smiled brightly, thinking Bucky was being so much like his old self again. He nodded and followed Bucky into the kitchen. They took their seats at the table with Natasha and Sam across from them. Dinner was smoked salmon with potatoes. Sam told Bucky more about himself and Steve found that he liked the friendly dynamic between them. Bucky appeared to be more and more comfortable as the conversation carried on. 

Sam asked about Bucky’s interest in the animal shelter. Natasha took the opportunity to brag about how helpful Bucky had been that day. Bucky was bashful and ducked his head whenever Natasha mentioned his name. Steve found this adorable and listened attentively as Bucky talked about all the cats he had befriended at the shelter. 

Eventually dinner was done and Steve offered to do the dishes. Sam rolled his eyes when he saw Steve trying to do them all by hand and reminded Steve that he owned a dishwasher. Natasha and Bucky watched with amusement as Sam took dish after dish from Steve and stuck them in the dishwasher. Steve tried to protest but Sam wouldn’t have any of it. Eventually Steve was sent back to the table and he pouted while Sam did the rest. 

It was 7:30pm at this point and Bucky needed to return to the center. The residential building did have a curfew of 8pm after all. Steve and Bucky said their goodbyes and Steve drove Bucky back to Alpine. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I am so sorry I'm late with updating. It took me a good while to write this chapter. I'm proud of what I've done though. This is the final chapter in the over all series, with chapter 12 being a cute epilogue I want to gift to you all! 
> 
> I will edit this note when I get links from my artists to their amazing artwork they've made for this fic!!!
> 
> Thank you guys so much for reading, really <3

December 2nd, 2016

 

Bucky had finally accepted the fact that Steve had truly forgiven him. And that relief came with a feeling of joy that Bucky knew only Steve Rogers could bring. At the beginning of December, he was told that he was no longer obligated to attend the self harm support group. Bucky relayed this to Tony and asked if they could still hang out.

Tony had chuckled in response and said, “Obviously, Barnes. We’re not friends just because of one therapy group.” 

Bucky was immensely relieved about that. When Tony invited him to the house he owned in town (his father had owned several properties along the east coast of the U.S.), Bucky was more than happy to do so. Tony warned him about the AI that was installed in the house so Bucky was prepared when a voice spoke welcoming him inside. 

“Welcome Mr. Barnes,” said the AI named Jarvis.

Bucky tried not to be too uneasy about an unembodied voice in the house. Luckily Tony distracted Bucky by showing him around the house with little assistance from Jarvis. Bucky was a little overwhelmed by the size of the house and needed to step out onto a balcony (a  _ balcony! _ ) for some air. He moved over to the railing and gripped the edge, taking a few deep breaths as he closed his eyes. Bucky focused on grounding himself, reminding him that he was safe and with a friend that he trusted.

“Sorry Tony,” he apologized as Tony watched him from the doorway. “I’ve just never seen a place this big before.” Bucky gestured around them and said, “Steve and I didn’t have much when we were kids. Never got our hands on anything fancy.” 

Tony nodded but Bucky could tell he couldn’t be sympathetic. Tony literally grew up around money. Tony had once explained that it was one of the few upsides of being his father’s son. He stepped out onto the balcony and joined Bucky at the railing. 

“You may have not had much luxury, but at least you had friends,” said Tony honestly. 

Bucky realized this was one of those moments when Tony was sharing something personal that he didn’t normally share. “It gets kinda lonely, living in a big house with only a nanny and servants waiting on you.” 

Bucky frowned, trying to imagine something like that. He shook his head when he couldn’t. Still, “That must have sucked,” he said.

Tony shrugged. “It wasn’t too bad, I did have Jarvis to keep me company. Even if he doesn’t have a face or body, he’s always still there.”

“I try my best,” the AI chimed in, eliciting a smile from Tony. 

“So if you want to stick around for a bit, I can introduce you to some video games,” Tony offered. “Ever played any before?” 

Bucky shook his head and Tony grinned. “Alright buddy, you’re in for some fun then. I’ll show you some of the easier ones first that don’t require two hands. We’ll only be able to play until my wife gets home.”

Bucky had met Pepper before, even if it was only a few times. She was a nice woman who Tony cared about very deeply. Bucky could tell that from the way Tony talked about her. Pepper also worked for Stark Industries, and took care of a lot of planning and communication. Bucky had been impressed by the amount of patience she seemed to have for her husband, who still boasted a very large ego. They were a good balance for each other. 

Bucky followed Tony back into the house. They went into a large TV room (named for the large TV itself) and Tony motioned for Bucky to have a look around. Unlike Steve’s house which tended to be spic and span, Tony’s home looked to be in a constantly cluttered state. 

Tony went to one of the bookcases which housed a bunch of dvds and other various objects. He grabbed a couple dvd sets and went to work on setting up the gaming console. Tony had an x-box and explained that there were a few games he could play one-handed. Bucky listened attentively as Tony explained how the console worked. Eventually they were both on the couch and playing a basic exploration game with excellent quality and a good soundtrack. 

Bucky was feeling more relaxed at this point and was glad Tony was willing to do all of this for him. Tony didn’t quite walk around on eggshells around Bucky like some people did, but he was aware of his handicaps and helpfully offered accommodations where needed. Bucky also found that he was really enjoying this particular game, even if it was the first one he had been introduced to. It was strangely addicting and there was so much to see in this video game world that was isolated to a single screen. 

Tony left momentarily to get snacks for them. Bucky was focused on the game so he wasn’t too uncomfortable about being left alone for a few minutes. He leaned back in his seat, taking a moment to appreciate the graphics of the game. He wondered what Steve would think of it, since his friend was an artist and all. Then he wondered if Steve would be interested in playing any video games at all. 

Bucky put down the controller and pulled out his phone. He opened up the message thread he already had with Steve and started typing in a new text asking Steve if he was interested. Then he pocketed his phone just as Tony came back into the room. He smiled at Tony as his friend sat down with a two bags of chips and some sodas in his hands. 

Tony had noticed Bucky’s hand on his phone just before he put it away. Smirking, he asked, “Who are you texting?”

“Steve,” Bucky said, smiling a little more. “I was asking him if he liked video games at all.” 

Tony nodded in approval. “If he does you should invite him over sometime. Both of you are welcome whenever you want.” 

“Thanks Tony,” said Bucky appreciatively. “Steve would probably like that either way.” 

Tony handed him a bag of chips and a soda before turning to look at the screen. “Find any hidden treasures yet?” Tony asked, yanking his chip bag open. 

“Not yet,” said Bucky, setting his snacks aside to focus on the controller again. “Trying to see how big this world is first.” 

Tony laughed and said, “That’ll take hours. Come on I’ll show you where to find a few things.” 

Bucky handed the controller over to Tony and let him move the player around on screen for a bit. The two of them continued to play for another couple hours until the screen suddenly paused. Bucky frowned in confusion and looked up when he heard Jarvis start to speak. 

“Mr. Stark, Pepper has arrived. Shall I tell her where you are?” 

“Yeah Jarvis,” said Tony. “We’ll finish up here.” 

“Very good, Mr. Stark,” said Jarvis before he was silent again. 

Tony showed Bucky how to save the game before they switched it off. “I like to show Pep that I’m exercising self control when it comes to playing video games so she doesn’t limit my time so much,” Tony explained. 

Bucky chuckled and threw away their trash for them. Pepper walked in just as Tony was putting the game back on the shelf.

“Oh, I didn’t realize we would have company!” said Pepper, looking at Bucky. “Good to see you, James.” 

Bucky offered a friendly smile. He was used to Pepper calling him James, as she thought Bucky was more of a nickname than James. 

“Same, Pepper,” he greeted her. “Your house is really nice.” 

“Thank you,” said Pepper. “I’m glad you still think so even though Tony still manages to make a mess in every room he enters.”

“Hey!” Tony made an indignant sound. “I cleaned up pretty well in here!” 

Pepper looked around and gave a nod. “Well you did this time, though that may partially be due to James being here.” 

Tony shot Bucky a glare, who just shrugged helplessly in return. 

Bucky felt his phone buzz in his pocket and wondered if Steve had texted him back. He checked his phone to confirm and smiled when he saw it was a message from Steve. 

_ Steve: I like some video games. Why? _

Bucky looked up and saw that Pepper was busy talking to Tony. He still had a moment to himself. Bucky typed back a response:

_ Bucky: Tony showed me how to play. I’m at his house right now. _

Steve replied pretty quickly. 

_ Steve: That’s good to hear! Did you like the game? _

_ Bucky: Yeah. Tony said you should come play w/ us. If you want to.  _

_ Steve: We can def do that sometime. I won’t go easy on you though if Tony’s already showed you the ropes. _

_ Bucky: Bring it on, pal. _

Bucky grinned as he sent that last message. He glanced up and saw that Tony and Pepper were watching him. Pepper smiled knowingly and Tony had a bit of a smirk on his face. Bucky quickly closed his message app and cleared his throat.

“Steve said he wouldn’t mind coming over for gaming sometime,” he explained. 

Pepper nodded and said, “Just let me know ahead of time. I prefer knowing when there will be more than one of Tony’s friends over. I can be more prepared.” 

“Awesome,” said Tony, purposefully ignoring Pepper. “I’ve only met Steve a couple times. Curious to know what he’s like with a controller in his hands.” 

Pepper rolled her eyes at Tony and Bucky laughed softly. He put his phone away and looked at the two of them. He decided he should probably leave since he didn’t want to be a third wheel for Pepper and Tony.

“Thanks for having me over, Tony,” Bucky said with a smile. “I’m glad you introduced me to video games.” 

“Aw, you’re leaving?” Tony caught Bucky’s implication and pouted.

“Sorry. I was going to try cooking for Steve tonight,” said Bucky apologetically. “It’s supposed to be a thank you to him.” 

Tony’s pout instantly vanished and was replaced with a large grin. “Oh really? You don’t even live together but you’re already cooking for him.” 

Pepper rolled her eyes again and Bucky was sure her eyeballs would fall out of her skull if they rolled any harder. “Ignore him, James,” said Pepper pointedly. “I think that’s very sweet.”

Bucky  felt his ears grow warm at the tips. He wasn’t sure what Tony meant by that, but at least Pepper seemed to understand. Bucky wanted to repay Steve back and he had gotten the idea of cooking from his therapy group. He needed to get to Steve’s since it was already almost 5pm. He said goodbye again to Pepper and Tony offered to drive him over to Steve’s. Pepper reminded Tony that he had a few things he needed to do for her, so Pepper ended up driving Bucky instead. 

Steve wasn’t home yet, but he had given Bucky a key to his house. Bucky headed inside and to the kitchen. His options of what to make for dinner were limited since it would have to be something he could make one handed. He had asked Steve to get shrimp the day before so Bucky grabbed it out of the freezer where it was being stored. Bucky planned to make pasta with shrimp and alfredo sauce. Steve also had easy bake garlic bread that was already partially cut. He would stick that into the oven last. Bucky tried to cook without making too much of a mess in Steve’s kitchen. By 6pm the sauce was heated up nicely and the pasta was being drained in a colander. Steve would be home soon and Bucky felt giddy with excitement towards treating his friend to a homemade dinner. 

Around 6:11pm, Bucky heard the door opening. He had just finished setting the table and ran out of the kitchen to meet Steve. Bucky beamed at him as they met in the hallway.

“Something sure smells good,” said Steve with a knowing smile. “What did you make?” 

“Come and see,” Bucky said grinning. 

Steve followed Bucky into the dining room where dinner was laid out for the two of them. Bucky watched Steve’s eyes grow wide and his mouth dropped open. Steve made an impressed whistle, nodding to Bucky. 

“This looks great, Buck!” he said. 

Bucky smiled happily and sat down with Steve. “I hope it’s as good as the recipe says.” 

Steve nodded and took the little bowl holding the alfredo sauce. He poured it on top of the pasta and shrimp and mixed it up a bit. Finally he took a bite while Bucky watched in anticipation. Steve  _ moaned  _ when he tasted it, a smile spreading across his face. Bucky sighed in relief, glad that Steve liked his cooking. 

“This is perfect, Bucky,” said Steve. “Thank you.” 

Bucky felt pride swell up in his chest. “Well actually I’m thanking you. This is my thanks for all you’ve done for me,” he said. 

“Aw Bucky,” Steve was blushing now. “Well still, thank you for cooking dinner.” 

Bucky smiled brightly before starting on his own plate. The pasta really was good, and Bucky congratulated himself for doing such a good job. He could add this to the list of the good things he had done this week. Steve looked especially happy right now, and his happiness was Bucky’s own happiness. And in his heart, he felt that happiness transform into something ten times better. 

There it was again. This was a warm and fuzzy feeling he had been feeling lately. And it always came up when he was around Steve. He remembered Tony saying he felt something similar when he was around Pepper. Was this the same thing? Steve was looking at Bucky curiously. Bucky realized he probably had been silent and still for longer than what was normal. 

“Sorry, Steve,” Bucky said quickly. “I just...I keep feeling this fuzziness when I’m around you.” 

Steve’s brows pushed together in confusion. “What do you mean, Buck?” 

Bucky sighed, setting his fork down. “It’s weird, but in a good way. I’m just really really happy when I’m with you. It’s nice, it’s a nice kind of feeling. And I want to keep feeling it.”

“Oh…” Steve’s eyes softened. His cheeks turned a light pink color. “I’m...actually really glad to hear you say that.”

“Really?” Bucky asked, feeling something like hope.

“Yeah, Bucky,” said Steve. “Really. Because if you feel that way, then it lets me know you feel the same way I do.”

“You feel it too?” Bucky asked, almost in disbelief. 

“Yeah. It’s love, Bucky,” Steve said finally. “I’m in love with you.” 

“Oh…” Bucky’s lips spread into a small smile. “Then I guess I’m in love with you.” 

“Yeah?” Steve was smiling a little more.

Bucky full on grinned, glad he understood this now. “Yeah.” 

Steve got up from his seat and moved around the table. Bucky stood up as well, not sure what was coming. Then Steve was holding him in his arms and pressing his lips against Bucky’s. It was warm and gentle and sweet all at once. Bucky melted into the kiss, closing his eyes and wrapping his arms around Steve’s neck. Steve continued to kiss Bucky, and he knew that there could be nothing that felt better than this. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is now COMPLETE :D 
> 
> I had fun writing this even if I did have difficulty at times. I'm glad to be finished with it though!!!
> 
> Again I would like to thank my beta and my two artists for their amazing work. I will add links for their artwork to this note as soon as I can get them. 
> 
> I would also like to thank my friends at the Steve Bucky chat for cheering me on and giving me some advice here and there. 
> 
> Finally, thank you to my wonderful readers for following this story. Please leave comments on what you thought of the fic overall, but only if you want to.
> 
> Thanks for reading :D

March 10th, 2017

 

Today would be the first birthday in 13 years Bucky had actually celebrated. Hydra hadn’t cared at all about birthdays. In the first few years, Bucky had tried to celebrate his birthday on his own. Then they gave him a strict schedule that left no room for celebration. In his time with Hydra, he had eventually forgotten when his birthday was in the first place. When Steve had brought it up, Bucky hadn’t even been thinking about it. Steve had been horrified and promised that this year, his birthday would be the only priority in the beginning of March.

Bucky woke up on the 10th of March, in his room at Steve’s place. Two weeks ago, he had finally moved in with Steve once his doctor had decided he was no longer a danger to himself or others. Bucky had his own room since he still occasionally had nightmares. Boyfriend or not, he didn’t want to risk hurting Steve.

Bucky blinked a few times, staring up at the ceiling before turning his head towards the clock on his nightstand. It read 9:20am and next to it was a navy blue card. Bucky sat up in his bed and reached over for the card, taking it and reading the front. It was apparently a birthday card for him. Smiling, Bucky opened the card and started reading the long note written inside.

_ Happy Birthday Bucky!!! I hope you slept well! Today is going to be all about you. Assuming I haven’t woken you up before you read this, I’m downstairs making breakfast for us. It’s blueberry pancakes with whipped cream. Your mom made it for us whenever we slept over at your house in Brooklyn. I know you love the stuff. Again, assuming it’s before 9:30 which is when I planned on waking you up, breakfast will be ready then. So come down and we’ll talk about what you want to do today! It’s all about you, Bucky. Happy Birthday, pal. _

__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ _ -Steve _

Bucky read the note over again, smiling more at his boyfriend’s writing. Then he pulled himself out of bed and put on some sweatpants and a shirt. He brought the card with him when he went downstairs and into Steve’s kitchen. Steve was at the stove, transferring fluffy pancakes from the pan onto a large plate. Bucky leaned against the doorway, watching him for a moment. 

Finally he said, “Good morning, Steve.” 

Steve turned around and grinned at Bucky. “Good morning!” His eyes flickered down to the card in Bucky’s hand and nodded. “I see you read the card. Are you hungry?”

“As a horse,” Bucky responded. “Thanks Steve, this is really kind of you.” 

Steve smiled and walked over, pulling Bucky into his arms. “You’re my best guy, gotta treat you right,” he said before kissing him softly. 

Bucky returned the kiss before poking Steve in the ribs. “Such a gentleman, Steve,” he said. “Now let me eat.” 

Steve chuckled and pulled away. Bucky went to help him set the table but he was immediately told to sit down. Bucky pouted but sat down, not needing memory to remind him how stubborn Steve could be on his birthday. Steve joined him at the table a few minutes later and Bucky practically inhaled his pancakes. They were so good. Steve offered to make more but Bucky declined. He was too full after having eaten 4.

“So Bucky, what do you want to do today?” Steve asked. 

Bucky tilted his head in confusion. “You don’t have any plans of your own?” he asked. He thought Steve would have a bunch of ideas for how to spend his birthday. 

“I do,” Steve said. “But I wanted to know if you had anything you wanted to do today.” 

Bucky sighed and said, “I haven’t celebrated my birthday in thirteen years, Steve. I’m also not a kid anymore. I don’t know how I would celebrate now.”

Steve nodded in understanding. “Alright. In that case, go get a shower and then we’ll head out. I have a good surprise for you.” 

Bucky grinned in excitement. He didn’t know what Steve had planned, but he was sure it was going to be good. Steve collected their plates and Bucky headed back upstairs so he could shower. 30 minutes later, Bucky met Steve back downstairs at their front door. He followed his boyfriend outside and started towards the car. Steve rushed past him so he could open the passenger door for Bucky. Steve knew Bucky didn’t like being coddled, but he still insisted on being a gentleman with small things like this. Bucky understood that and wasn’t offended by the special treatment. 

After Steve got into the driver’s seat and buckled up, he looked over to Bucky and spoke, “Alright I need you to keep your eyes closed the entire ride. Cover them if you need to. I want this to be a surprise. Is that okay with you?” 

Bucky had bad experiences with blindfolds during his time with Hydra, so he understood where Steve was coming from. However, “Steve I trust you. You’re my boyfriend. I can do this for you.” 

Steve beamed and waited for Bucky to cover his eyes up. Then Bucky felt the car start to move and leaned back in his seat, trying to keep his eyes shut. His eyelids refused to stay closed so eventually Bucky had to cover them with a hand. He listened to the sounds of the car as Steve drove him to wherever they were going. Finally Bucky felt the car stop and he turned his head in Steve’s general direction, keeping his eyes closed. 

“Keep them closed for a little longer, Buck,” came Steve’s voice. 

Bucky nodded and heard Steve open his car door followed by a thud. Then a slightly louder sound next to him indicated Steve opening Bucky’s door. Bucky undid his seat belt; feeling around for it and pushing the button. Steve helped him out of the car and kept a hand on his shoulder. 

“Alright just walk forward, I’ll lead you,” said Steve. “Come on.”

Bucky let Steve guide him across what still felt like pavement. Then they stopped moving and Bucky heard a slight creak. Then he was led forward again and felt warm air hit his skin. The ground underneath his feet changed texture, becoming noticeably softer. 

“Come over here,” Bucky heard Steve say. 

He started to move but Steve’s hand kept him in place. Bucky was confused but then he heard approaching footsteps. Suddenly Bucky felt Steve’s breath on his ear as he whispered, “Open your eyes, Bucky.” 

Bucky opened his eyes, but he still had to blink a few times after holding his eyelids closed for so long. Then he registered what was in front of him. Natasha stood there with Yasha in her arms. Yasha had a big red bow around her neck and Bucky realized what this was. 

“We’re getting Yasha?” he asked Steve incredulously.

Steve grinned. “Yeah Bucky, we are. Well, you are. You’re officially her owner now.” 

Bucky’s eyes grew wider and he pulled Steve into a tight hug. Bucky had never considered that Steve would adopt Yasha for his birthday, but he was really glad that this was his present. He heard Steve chuckle in his ear and his boyfriend gave him a deep kiss. 

“You’re welcome,” said Steve, pulling away from the kiss.

“Seriously, thank you,” said Bucky. 

He turned and Natasha was smirking at the two of them. Bucky rolled his eyes and held out a hand so Yasha could jump onto his arm. Skillfully, the cat walked along the length of Bucky’s arm and sat on his shoulder. Bucky laughed and gave Yasha a little scratch on the top of her head. 

“Thank you Natasha,” Bucky said, knowing she had a big part in this. 

“I’m just glad she’s finally getting a home,” said Natasha. “I would have kept her but my partner is allergic to cats. It wouldn’t do. Happy birthday, Bucky!”

Bucky knew he would have to make it up to Natasha somehow. Now however, there was a cat that needed taking care of. The problem was, he didn’t know exactly how to care for a cat. Steve nudged him and Bucky looked in his direction. Bucky must have looked worried since Steve was giving him a knowing look. 

“We’ll take care of her together. Natasha has already given me a book on how to care for Yasha. We’ll be fine.” 

Bucky was comforted by Steve’s words. “Yeah,” he said smiling at both Steve and Yasha. “Together.” 


End file.
